Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all Sida's loyal readers! (although I think that is possibly only think_next and Stacy, and even Stacy hasn't been seen lately. She has gone holidaying, and has (presumably) better things to do...)

Christmas has always been a time to look back, and I've always hated looking back. Like the song: "So this is Christmas, what have you done?" and the answer has always been more or less: nothing.

Compared to all that, I have had a great year. I got into medicine, and I opened my heart to God, and started, so to speak, my spiritual pilgrimage. And next year promises to be good too, I'll be studying a course I love, working enough to have some money but not enough to be sick of it, and striving to make every day, every action an act of worship. At this point, I should probably think of some resolutions for next year, but I don't think I will. It'll be just the usual ones - be organised, exercise more, etc.

So I have compiled a short list of the things I learnt this year.

1. God loves me
2. If I do something to strain a muscle such that it hurts a lot, then for the next few days I won't eat chocolate, because that means that the pain would have no gain...
3. It is difficult to eat a hamburger while driving a manual car, but it can be done.
4. Plants need watering. Particularly ones in a pot
5. Boil anything edible with noodles, and it becomes noodle soup
6. After drinking any amount of alcohol, it is a good idea to keep one's mouth shut
7. Panic is bad
8. Driving is a good time to karaoke
9. In operating theatres, it is a good idea to ignore the surgeon, and certainly some of the nurses too. If irked enough, one can always entertain the thought of 'tripping over' into their sterile field...
10. If you say 'it's all good' enough times, you may be able to fool others, but not yourself.

Merry Christmas and happy 2007.

On service

I know I said before I was going to limit the amount of religious stuff I put on here, but I just thought I'd share my experiences from this Sunday.

I was due to be 'usher' this Sunday, and it was the first time I'd been rostered to do any jobs. (I guess the number of things a new member can be trusted with is limited. The number of things I trust myself to do is limited...) So basically, I was to sit at a table at the entrance, smile nicely at people, and hand to them our weekly service program. If there are new people then I give them a little form that asks for their name and contact details. So I asked my bible study leader how early I should go, and I was thinking about half an hour early, so 9.30am. He said 9am. I was surprised, but I went along at 9.

So there I was, at 9am, sitting at the little table at the front. This position gave me a unique view of the service, because I was behind everyone, behind the chairs, so that I felt like I wasn't really part of the congregation at all. At 9, the place was already abuzz. The chairs were already set up (we use a primary school hall), as were the speakers and sound system, the OHP, and the tables outside for sharing the food. My bible study leader was at the piano, others were practicing their songs, or making last minute touches to the powerpoint slide. People were outside, too, doing what I'm not sure. Everyone was about, busying about something. (Yes, and there I was, sitting at my little spot behind the desk, observing, but not lending a hand).

By the time the actual service started at 10am, there were actually not many people walking through the doors. And I realised that most people were actually already here, part of the bustling workers. A few more families did walk through the door, but that was it. Well over half the congregation were there before the service to help prepare.

At this time I realised the meaning of the word service. This is service. Serving each other, and in doing so, serving God. Actually I knew it before, because I had read it in books, but this is the first time I actually witnessed it. From my position at the desk, it was like a movie where I was disconnected from it all and seeing it as an outsider.

These people give away literally their entire weekend. What kind of young person gives away their entire weekend? I knew that my bible study leader got to church at 8, 2 hours ahead of time. By the looks of it, so did a whole bunch of other people. It's their life, literally. No wonder Christianity strikes fear in my dad's heart. Indeed, what if his daughter left her studies? What if his daughter did the same as the others, when will she find time to study? What if she decides to throw it all away? For something that, to him, is worthless since it gives neither monetary gains nor promises to give monetary gains, at least in this life.

I guess now it's time to express how the experience has affected me. I realised that, as much as I do participate in the church, much of the time I am being served rather than serving. I feel as if this experience should have taught me to serve more, but how? To do what? And after all that, I still don't know how I fit into that picture, the picture of the people bustling about. (To be clear, bustling doesn't come naturally to me. Standing there wondering what I should do comes naturally.). So I'm probably back at where I was before, which is to do whatever I am told to do.

my MRBS offer

I recieved an email yesterday from UQ. This is what they said:

Dear Sida:
I would like to inform you that a Medical Rural Bonded Scholarship(MRBS) place has become available. If you are interested in receivingthis scholarship, please let me know as soon as possible (the next dayor so) so I can send you a contract in the mail.

Actually the email was sent on Thursday, so when I read this on Friday morning, you can imagine my panic. I have less than two short hours before work to decide to accept or decline!

Let me describe the scholarship to those who don't know about it. It is a bid by the government to try and get doctors into rural or remote areas. What happens is this: they give you around $23,000 a year, for the duration of your medical degree (four years, accumilating to nearly 100,000). After you graduate, you train as per usual, and after you have reached your destination (whether you want to be a specialist or a GP), you go and work in a rural area for 6 years. If you are a specialist, the 'rural' area can be a large centre such as cairns or toowoomba. If you are a GP it would have to be somewhere more remote than that.

I spent a whole agonising day thinking about it, the money is so nice it's hard to turn down. $23,000 a year as a student, it almost means I don't need to worry about work, and buy myself a niiice laptop and mp3 player and an expensive stethoscope and all that. But then, to give 6 years away post fellowship (which is almost 10 years down the track) is too much. I do have a view to work in rural areas, but only for short times, and only intermittently, and not BOUND to it.

To breach the contract, you will have to give the money back plus interest, but more importantly, you can't work privately and bill to medicare for 12 years.

I chose not to take it in the end, as I don't really want to be bound when my future is still undecided. I don't want to take it only to break the agreement. One day, though, I may regret my decision, I may end up spending 6 years in a rural place anyways (although I doubt it, especially post fellowship). When I look at people with scholarships, not worrying much about money, I will think, that could have been me. But oh well.

UQ Med Interview Experience 2006

I said before that I will post about my interview experience, and I've put it off because I couldn't bear to think about it before my offer came. Then when my offer came I was too lazy to think about it. But here I am now. Better late than never, right?

I think, on the whole, my interview was not too different (if at all) from recounts of previous years. You can find other people's recounts in the Paging Dr forum http://vtac.proboards103.com/index.cgi

The usual type of questions (not in order)

• What do you do with your spare time? (Said to be a community involvment question in disguise)
• Current issues facing Qld Health? (Look-upable on the Qld Health website)
• Why do you want to be a doctor?
• Have you had contact with working doctors?
• What do you think are some difficulties doctors face?
• What makes a good doctor?
• Have you come up against any difficulties, situations where you really felt you failed? How did you deal with it?
• How will you support yourself during med?
• Define terms: Pretend you are explaining these terms to lay people (in the scientific terms, I was a teacher explaining to school-aged children. In the social terms, I was a guest on the radio). You get to choose from three terms. I can't remember my terms, but I do recall I chose inertia and flowchart. I even said out loud that I chose those because they seem to be the easiest. (me and my big mouth).
• The debate: choose from 3 controversial topics, state your view on them. then they will state an argument of the opposite view, and you have to say something back, to stand your ground. This goes on for 2 or 3 rounds. Mine was: capital punishment, deforestation, and heroin injection rooms. I chose heroin injection rooms.
• Story and summary: The interviewers read out a short story, and then they asked me a few questions. I was asked to summarise the story and then to answer a few questions, mainly to do with empathy. (eg, how did X feel? Why did the author mention Y?)
• What are some of your good qualities and some of your bad qualities?

The interview lasted for 35 minutes, I think it is supposed to last longer? My panel was one lady and one man, the lady was Head of Psychiatry at the SOM (I think) and the man was a GP. Was a bit scared at being interviewed by a psychiatrist.

And now for my personal remarks...

• When asked what I do in my spare time, I said that as I am working full time, I enjoy simple things like spending time with my family. They asked, when I was a student and had more time, what did I do? Obviously this is to see if I had any community involvment. I told the truth: Nothing much. I did get involved with the Amnesty International for a concert, but my contribution was so minute it's hardly worth mentioning. They didn't ask anything further. In spite of that, I got in.
• My response to the current issues in QLD was very standard, as my brain froze at that point. I had other ideas for improving the status quo and stuff which I didn't mention. But I still got in, in spite of that.
• When asked of some of difficulties facing doctors, I should have said something about work load. But instead I said what was on my mind at the moment. I remembered the doctors I work with and said "everyone expects the doctor to know everything. The ancilliary staff, the patients, nurses. I think there is quite a bit of pressure there." What! I still cringe at the thought of what I said.
• People say not to mention religion. But when asked how I deal with my failures, I said I pray. So I guess it's not that bad. They nodded when I said that. But then, I didn't say "I pray to the God who hath mercy in spite of my transgressions, yea, whoes power is made perfect in my weakness." Hehe...
• When asked how I will support myself, I had meant to say that I can live off my parents, and work if necessary. But what I ended up saying was that it is quite easy for me to find weekend positions as a radiographer, and my parents don't mind me staying with them anyways. But they didn't reject me because I said I was going to work.
• I giggled. I can't believe it now, but I'm sure I giggled. I forgot the interviewers were meant to be stony-faced. "Hehe", I remember saying. "I choose inertia, it's the easiest, haha." then: "Hehe, I'll choose flowchart, it is also the easiest there, hehe". The dude looked like he was falling asleep at one stage, but the lady was very nice and both of them did smile back at me. I guess the key is to relax and talk to them as you would anyone you just met - amicably, but with restraint. Giggling is not necessarily the best thing though, especially for guys.
• In the debate, towards the end, I had virtually no new arguments. All I could do was to say, weakly, "Yes, that is a valid point, but I think it is more important that:" and then state one of my previous arguments. I felt horrible, but I guess since I got in it couldn't have been that bad.
• I wanted to make my 'bad' qualities sound 'good'. I said that I find that I needed to speak up with working in a team at work, which I have difficulty doing since I am on the lowest rung of the ladder. I was trying to explain this, when the psychiatrist said "So you have confidence problems?" and I said "uh, something like that, yes". But I don't! I don't have confidence problems, I just have difficulty speaking up when faced with scary surgeons and scarier operating theatre nurses. So the interview panel thinks that I am working on my 'confidence'. But once again, I guess it's not a rejectable offence.

Look how much I'd posted, I hadn't meant to post this much. Looks like I recall more than I thought I would. I have shared some of my responses, but I don't actually think I responded all that well, and I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Hope this helps.

Sida's Secret Santa experience

Yes, secret santa at work.

When I picked out a name from the box, it said "Margaret W" and I assumed it was the only Margaret I knew, that is, the funny, bubbly red-headed nurse that I loved to work with. I bought her a little glass angel figurine, a glass lotus, and, as a joke, a little decorative ear-picker.

I wasn't around when the presents were opened, having been called to theatre, so when I came back, I sidled up to her and said "so, did you like your present?" and she showed me - some chocolates and other miscelanious little things. Imagine my consternation - it's not what I bought her! What is going on! Worst thing with secret Santa is that you couldn't say anything, it being secret. So I went around the whole afternoon feeling very troubled. Where did my carefully-bought little figurines go? I couldnt' say anything to anyone, so there I was, discreetly looking in the cupboards and even considering other people's gift bags. Terrible time. Margaret came up to me, and said "you look troubled" to which I replied: "I'm very confused about something." She said "Well, if it is about radiology, I can't help you. I'm a nurse." And walked away.

So anyway it turned out there are two Margarets. One was the nurse, one was the typist who I only see once in a blue moon, I don't even know where the typing-room is. Mine was the typist. Luckily I put 'W' on my card, so my present went to the right person. I felt such a fool, and so glad that Margaret W didn't go without a present, but I was also disappointed because I didn't get to explain the little man on a stick was an ear-picker and not a drink stirrer, and I didn't get to see her reaction. I'm over my disappointment now, as I imagine her opening her bag to see the beautiful little angel and the lotus. Who could it be? Hehe, I like this annonymous gift-giving.

So anyway, I got a hanging-thing from my 'secret santa', who couldn't keep a secret. One of those crystal-things that you hang on your window, with butterflies and stuff. The guy who gave it to me was so funny, his antics were worth more than the gift itself. "Soooo Sida, what did Santa give you? Ooo, Isn't that lovely?" He said. After I'd indicated that it was obvious to me who it was from, he gave me a detailed explanation of the significance of the beads. The red ones signify this-and-this, the purple ones mean that-and-that, the butterflies bring so-and-so. He said all this with a pause in between, and I wondered if he was making it all up. Inside, I was like "but I don't believe in that crap!" But all I said was "right, right, interesting". So anyway, it is now up on my window next to a windchime I got for my birthday. It doesn't catch the light the way he says it would, because (I suspect) it is plastic and not crystal. But it looks good and reminds me of a kind old soul.

ohhhhh... i feel twice my age

I said last time that I was going to be super busy, and that I was going to love it.

I take it all back! I hate it! I am just so tired, and it's been giving me reflux, and I feel literally twice my age, or even trice. How many twenty-year-olds do you know get reflux?

I'm not even going to describe my week. All I can say is that I had the worst week of my life (or at least the worst week in my memory). It also involved about 1.5 hours of overtime, the pay for which I recieve is JUST worth the additional exhaustion.

I was recounting my week to Ernie, a boy from church yesterday. I was really just complaining to him about it all, then he suddenly he said: "Pray". It was then that I realised I hadn't prayed properly for days. I prayed short prayers but didn't spend quiet time with God, and hadn't actually prayed properly. Then I looked at Ernie; he has such a simple outlook on life, and yet in that simplicity, such wisdom, from a high-schooler. God makes me learn lessons from those younger than me, teaching me to be humble.

And that is the reason, my dear ones, why I do not have a new 'verse of the week' this week.

Busy busy.

Just some more updates. Still dreading work. I have learnt to be stoic, to tell myself the pain in my calfs are helping me loose weight.

I'm so busy now, and I don't know how it happened. Is it just that it's the end of the year? Or was my involvement in the church increasing steadily and I would have reached this point even if it were May or July? Hmm.

Nah, it's just that it's the end of the year.

For example, Wednesday night: 21st birthday party. Saturday 8-2pm: Work, then get changed into civilian clothes for youth group. Saturday 3-5pm: youth group at church, then get changed into night clothes. Saturday 6.30pm til late: work Christmas party. Sunday: Take friend to church, spend some time with her after church, perhaps watch a movie, and chat. (And I should be going to a youth group xmas performance practice too... but that can have a higher priority some other time.) Next weekend: more youth group, spend some time with a friend from Syd (perhaps), take another friend to Christian shop, church, after-church practice...

See? How did it happen? I'm planning weekends WEEKS before they happen.

Not that I'm complaining. I'm enjoying most of it, it should be fun. (Except maybe the working on Saturday). But my mum was right. I really am going to cut back on something next year when I study.

My dad lent our digital camera to a friend of his. When we get it back I will post a photo and an accompanying treatise on mortality.

whats going on in Sida-land

In short: nothing much. Work has been dragging, each week passes like two weeks (or more). Perhaps I am too proactive in my work, because sometimes I am sure that I am the one doing all the physically demanding work, while others are elsewhere, perhaps all huddled together to do one CT scan. I don't say anything, because then it seems like I can't handle the work, which I can. I just get innately annoyed. I guess this thing happens to PDY's / interns everywhere. It's what you get for being on the bottom rung.

My parents think that I am spending too much time on church-activities. They said this after last weekend, when I was out for the whole weekend nearly. Saturday morning, shopping (groceries for family); Saturday afternoon, youth fellowship. Saturday night: dinner and karaoke with friends. Sunday morning, church; Sunday afternoon, practicing our Christmas concert dance thingy. I do admit that I have had a busy weekend, but I didn't think my dad's comment that I wasted my time on "pointless things" was called for. For one thing, it's my weekend. For another, I had been working hard all week, I think the weekend is a good time to do 'pointless' things. Last but not least, I can not think of anything more meaningful than worshipping and serving God. But I didn't argue with my dad. I just left the room.

My desire to do oncology as a specialisation has been met with raised eyebrows. People say: "Why would you want to work in a field where you tell people that they die in X months time?" And to tell the truth, I don't know why. I just feel like it is something that I can dive into. Besides, not all cancer patients die.

Um. I think that is about it. In my spare time I am currently reading up on evidence for creation theory, and also doing a study plan (sort of thing) of the new testiment. The old testiment is too long and too unchewable; it can wait for next year.

some updates

I havn't posted for a while. Why not, I will disclose later.

What has happened lately? Well, last Friday night my brother broke his arm. He fell at after-school-care, while under the care of my friend stacy. (Apparently she was egging him to run really fast and he tripped over a slide and flew for 5 seconds before landing on his hand and face.) So I took him to the GP, who said it was definately broken, and may indeed need reduction (!). He recommended us take him to the Mater Children's hospital rather than the QEII which was closer. Apparently, QEII didn't like paediatric cases and may indeed send us to the Mater anyway. So I went home and picked up my mum (and cousin and cousin's husband too, since they were visiting and wanted to come along) and we went to the emergency department at Mater Childrens.

The whole experience was quite exciting and therefore exhausting for all of us. Most of all for me, I think. Because I am a health care professional, somehow I became the spokesperson and 'Arranger'. I manipulated through Southbank in the chaos that is Friday night traffic, and arrived at the hospital without making a wrong turn. (This I thank God for, since I had neglicted to look at a map before we left and I hadn't been to the Mater since first year uni, and even then it was by foot).

We were attended to fairly promptly by the staff, but it was still 10pm by the time everything (x-rays, plastering, etc) was done. We had spent around 3 hours there. It turned out to be only a very small break, called a 'buckle' fracture, barely visible on the x-ray.

During the waiting and everything, I, as usual, thought a lot. As I was thinking it, i thought: "my thoughts are strange. I must put this in my blog". But I was very hungry (my brother wasn't allowed food or drink in case he needed sedation, so I fasted with him) and very tired (started work at 7.30am that morning). So I don't remember a single one of my interesting thoughts.

The fracture was so small that I personally don't think it deserved a full-forearm plaster cast. But I guess it's hospital protocol. It gave my brother a couple of days holiday from practicing his violin and piano. However, when he saw the specialist on Tuesday, the plaster was removed, he was given a brace, and was reassured that he could indeed practice his musical instruments.

haahaa.

I also had a birthday party on Saturday. (I turned 20 on the 20th on Monday). It was pretty good, I was worried because the people who were coming were a mixture of people I knew and they didn't know each other. But it turned out pretty well. The only thing is, once again, I showed myself to be the most disorganised host in the world. People were like: I need a spoon. And I'm like: spoon? Oh yeah, just wait, do we have enough spoons? I didn't buy birthday candles because I thought the idea was a little silly and didn't think it mattered. But apparently it did matter, beacuse a friend insisted on holding a lit match for me to blow out.

On a final note, I don't think you will see me blogging as much now. There are two main reasons for this. I am finding that my blogs getting more and more religious. I put my religious reflections on here because I feel like writing it down, but I withhold some of my questions because I have my audience in mind. While I pride myself in making my blog 'raw' and honest, some things are between me and my God. So I have started keeping a spiritual journal, where I record my doubts and questions and the way God answers them. After writing in such a journal, the importance of my everyday activities dim in comparison. The other reason is that I am trying to spend less time on the internet. Besides, I don't think many people read my blog anyway, and therefore it is really for my own benefit than others.

Not that you won't see religious entries on here anymore, it is too entwined in my life, too constantly on my mind for me to ignore it altogether in a journal that records my ponderings.

Ballet and afterwards

I went to see ballet by the LiaoNing Ballet Company last night. Liao-ning is the province in China where my dad was born.

The ballet was not a story and did not really have a theme, it was just a series of dances put together to showcase the talent of the company. There were a few traditional dances, like the 'Four Little Swans' from Swan Lake by Tchaikovsky, and also Chinese ballets (names of which I forgot but are rather famous stories, and very nicely done), and a couple of 'modern' dances. (One of them was rather artistic, so much so that it looked to me more like the dancer was rhythmically having seizures than dancing.) All in all, it was very nice. Especially the love dances, because love is probably the easiest thing to express in ballet. There was a Chinese one that was so cute.

I can understand now why little girls want to be ballet dancers now: I never did understand it before. The costumes! So pretty! The hair-pieces! So shiny! And they dance with such ease, it makes me think that I can leap and step like that too. But I had the sensibility (unusual for me) not to try, I just know that I will dislocate something, and end up in the emergency department being x-rayed by my co-workers. The other part little girls love is the charming muscular princes or male dancers. Unfortunately, the male dancers I saw were not very good looking at all, not at all like the ones in ballet that you see on TV.

I parked my car at the train station close to my house (I catch the train to work) and met my parents in the city straight after work to have dinner and watch ballet. When we went to the train station to pick up my car, it was a devastating sight. The window on the driver's side was smashed - most of it was on the ground or inside my car. The door was unlocked, but nothing was missing from it. (The most valuable thing in my car was the Red Cross Basic First Aid kit, bought at $16)

My car had been vandalised before, when a tyre was slashed while parking at pretty much the same spot. Last time I looked at it and laughed and called my dad. This time, though, it was a pretty devastating sight.

So this morning I spent trying to arrange for it to get fixed and cleaning the glass from my car, and vacuuming it. As I was doing this, I said a little prayer in my mind for whoever did this: that they may one day find the Lord and repent and change their ways. My mind wasn't really in that prayer though... I just wanted my car fixed ASAP so I can enjoy the beautiful day by shopping inside a shopping centre. Somehow, even though I was wearing gloves, I still managed to cut myself. Worst thing is, when I called O'briens, they told me that they would clean the car and it was included in the price. ARGH! Oh well, the whole thing has been an exercise to practice stoicism, particularly when I handed over $233 for the replacement window.

Reflections on getting into Medicine

I was thinking about it all, and it seems pretty weird. If you asked me when I was younger if I wanted to be a doctor, I would have said "no way". To put it simply, I was just not altruistic enough. But here I am. Not only that, we know the doctors are the cream of the bunch. It is hard to get into and they are very smart. So how did I end up here? How did I end up with a gamsat score of 71, and how did I come to get a CSP place?

I came to know God through the Gamsat. I first read the bible when I was studying for it the first time. Des said it was good to read texts that were difficult to understand, considered 'classical', and translated from another language. The bible fits perfectly in this description. Anyway, I wanted to know what it was all about, since so many of my friends tried to convert me. I prided myself on being an intelligent, educated person, and how could I call myself that if I havn't read the most influential text in western culture?

Even though I came to read most of the bible, I still didn't commit myself totally to God. I placed my studies first, particularly studying the Gamsat. When it came time for the exam, I couldn't bring myself to pray about it: how could I pray to God to give me good marks? Time that should be devoted to worship, I spent studying (well not studying, but sitting around procrastinating). I had put my studies before God, so how could God reward me for my sin? I have read his Word, but have not applied it.

But God did, and He showed to me his infinite patience. Gamsat score of 71. It is just not possible for me. 96th percentile. Me. 96th percentile. How is that possible, but through God?

Now, it is apparent I also passed the interview and got a CSP place. I am going to be a doctor, with God's help.

Right now, I am so excited. Both to start learning, to meet other students and lecturers and professors, and also to see where God takes me next. What will you have me do now, Lord? How can I live out your plan in my professional life? What will I specialise in? Where will you take me? I am so excited...

got my UQ offer!

I got my UQ offer today! Woooohoooo!

When I got my letter I screamed and screamed. Then my knees went weak and I knelt down and cried and praised God. Then I was up and screaming again, and called a lot of people. When it became apparent that I could not to afford to call everyone on their mobile that I would like to inform, I sent sms to everyone. Then I screamed some more, and planned a big party with my best friend. My birthday is coming up too.

I'm going to be a doctor!

I seem to be the only one surprised. I'm the most elated person. Everyone else is happy for me, but it's like they saw it coming. I guess they didn't have the tummy aches I had.

Went out to have dinner with family. Resturant wasn't that good, food was pretty average, but I ate so much, couldn't stop. I realised I hadn't eaten properly for many days now.

Right now, my voice is sore, I'm very tired, and very very sleepy. And very content.

Dr Chen (aka Peter) says I ought to capture this moment in my blog. Which I have. Now I am going to sleep. I have the wonderful task of informing my bosses tomorrow.

uq offer to come... SOON

I had a HORRENDOUS day at work. I participated in a lumbar myelogram that gave the patient severe muscle spams, and x-rayed a little girl whoes arm was so broken that the two ends of the bones were no longer touching. Overall it was tiring and horrible.

So imagine me, coming out of work, looking at my phone, and a message from my friend Peter. "Don't want to alarm you, but there is some information on the Paging Dr forum about UQ offers. Don't rush home, it's not today." Silly boy! Of course I can't rush home, I'm working!

As it takes me around an hour to get home, I called him straight away, and when he didn't pick up, I gave him 5 missed calls for good measure (Ha! take that!) and left a message (actually, I acted in moderation - I've been known to leave over 10 missed calls on someone's phone). He called me a hour later, after i got home. (I shouldn't be generalising, but isn't that a typical guy thing to do?)

He calls me, and I'm sure it was the most hilarious thing I heard in ages (but that could be because I am so tired and depressed from work): "Hi Sida, I didn't want to alarm you, but I just called to tell you it's coming soon..." I thought "Yeah, Peter, no duh!"

Anyway here is the climax of the story: apparently, someone on the Paging Dr forum called UQ and it is getting posted TODAY, which means I will get it TOMORROW or DAY AFTER. Woohoo!

on how I committed the Original Sin

For a few days now, I have been praying to God for wisdom, so that He may open my eyes and my mind, so that I may know the question of life. As Douglas Adams put it, the answer to everything. In the Purpose-Driven Life, Rick Warren asks us the question: "how do you picture your life? Like a race? A competition?"... when I thought about this, it was evident: I saw life as a puzzle. Always discovering new pieces, always trying to make them fit, a puzzle that frustrates my intelligence. Thus, I prayed for God to open my eyes and my brain: "God, show me your secrets."

Last night, I prayed to God again, and an inner voice (my bible study leader would probably call it God speaking) asked: "What exactly do you want to know?"

It took a while for me to come up with the exact response: "I want to know how all the pieces fit together. The reason for everything. The reason for my sufferings, why the world is the way it is, why things in history happened the way it did. I want to know how it will all end: what Your divine plan is for the world, and for me personally. I want to know the beginning and the end." And I realised that I wanted to know what only God knows. Put more precisely (and more damningly) I wanted wisdom like God. How could I have thoughts and desires like these? So wrong, so ridiculously impossible, so damning!

In Genesis, in the garden of Eden, the Original Sin. The serpent promised the woman that the fruit would bring her wisdom, and she would be like God. (Genesis 3:4-6) She fell for this temptation, and so had I.

I wanted wisdom, but not for a bad reason, really. I wanted the wisdom to communicate the gospel accurately (and persuasively) to my friends, I wanted to feel closer to God, and I wanted it all to make sense. But perhaps, I don't need wisdom to be close to God, after all, he sent his son do die for me, so it's not like I need to pass an exam. Perhaps it doesn't have to all make sense to my limited brain. All I really need to know is that I am in God's hands, that He sees further than me, and is much more organised. Perhaps I don't need Godly wisdom to convince my friends, all I need is to let God speak through me, and live a life that doesn't smear dirt on His name. Perhaps, one day, everything will be revealed, but for now, all I really need is the truth of the Gospel. This , although it sounds obvious, was something that I had to learn. People who have known Christ for longer would know this already, but as it were, I am but a 'baby christian'.

On an entirely different note, I have been going through some rough times this week. The UQ offer is still yet to come, and some family problems have also arisen, which I don't feel like disclosing here. I prayed to God that He make everything right, I read the bible for encouragement, but nothing came. I was still powerless to change my situation. My encouragement finally came today, in church, when I read, in 2 Corinthians 12:9 : 'But He said to me: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.' Whatever I go through, His grace is sufficient for me, and His power will rest on me. Amen.

The wait... again

Does this sound familiar? For those who have read my blog on Live Journal (and... I think... there is a total of... ONE in the whole web...) this would sound familiar. Again, I am getting impatient, I am waiting, and the wait is giving me bad skin and tummy problems (altho the tummy problems could be because of all the comfort food i'm having...)

What I am waiting for? The one and only offer from UQ to do medicine, WHAT ELSE? It is to come in November, and it is tipped to come at Nov 6 ish or 7 ish which means next next week. But then, everything this year has been late, which means I could be in agony until the end of November.

This letter or acceptance or rejection will change my life. The whole process has been quite a life-changing experience, but this is the capstone. Even my bible study leader today, when saying the communal prayer, said "Father, and we pray for Sida, as she steps into the next step, may you open up her path in Medicine..." (well I can't remember how he said it but it was along those lines) I was really glad that he added that extra bit for me but I hope no one is too concerned for me - I am acting forlorn recently not because i'm stressed but because of too much chocolate which makes me feel ill.

It would have also been good if he also said "And Father, keep Sida sane."

If any of you out there see any signs of Sida going insane please let me know.

This strawberry came from a strawberry plant that I purchased about 2 months ago. You can see how it's really small (in the picture, I am holding it in my hand.) I read that in hot weather, strawberries tend to grow more foliage than fruit, but lately I have noticed that my plant isn't doing much of either. I mulched it, I gave it rose food, and even put it in the sun. I blame the drought in Brisbane. I mentioned it at bible study and now they are constantly teasing me about it... but it's not my fault! 

Went to Wellington Point with church people today. Big bunch of young people, around 50 or 60 (or 70, I'm bad with estimating numbers), all wearing bright yellow teeshirts with Logos Christian Church on the back, standing in the park area singing Chinese Christian songs loudly. It is no wonder we attracted some negative attention from some caucasian teenage boys, who jumped around crazily pretending to be part of the crowd, raising their hands with us mockingly. The person leading the singing looked as though he was going to shoo them away, but a girl gave him a 'no' look and he didn't... which I think is the corrent thing. After all, Christ taught us to turn the other cheek. Besides, we should affect others with our love, not intolerance. (Again, something easier said than done, and something that is easier to tell others to do than to do it yourself.)

I guess, to beholders, the whole thing is a little weird... to see young people, at their most self-conscious times, unashamedly raising their hands and jumping and singing loudly in the public park. But hopefully, these people would try to seek out what makes us so joyous.

Anyway, the outing was pretty good. It got a little cloudy towards the end and a little windy, so I didn't get the ice cream I craved (ice-cream and bad weather doesn't really match, although some would disagree). It was good to get out and talk to people and joke with them about pushing them off the ramp into the sea. No one asked me about medicine, so, praise God, I spent a few short hours completely forgetting about it.

That is, until I got home, when I remembered. So after dinner I connected up the karaoke and sang it all out. Feels good, voice a bit hoarse though.

Sida congratulates Peter

I'm in a TERRIBLE mood today. It appears USyd and Griffith Medicine applicants have already got their med-entry offers. So I am panicking, slowly, and painfully. My panic is long-drawn-out, such that I am permanently on edge and permanently in Fight-or-Flight mode... and you know that I will fight.

What made this worse is the fact that a friend, Peter, got a common wealth supported place at Sydney. When I heard the news I was overjoyed, indeed I felt like it was I myself who got in (in fact, I might even have been a little misty-eyed. Peter and I, even though we have never met, have helped each other get through the whole process). So when I called him and congratulated him, all was good. I expressed my own concern for my offer... and he said "don't worry Sida, it would be your turn in a couple of weeks"...A COUPLE OF WEEKS! I can't wait that long! So even though I was in a good mood when I called Peter, I was feeling foul within about half an hour.

My bible study leader, Wilson, said this week that we should always act knowing that God is watching. So when we are in a bad mood, we should endevour to get in a good mood and not to take it out on others. My usual gesture is to announce clearly that I am in a bad mood, and from there on if anyone gets in my road my wrath they will feel. So today, after I came home announcing my bad mood, and my brother still pissed me off, it was an effort not to show him my wrath. Some things are indeed easier said than done.

I have started the Purpose- driven life... I am not sure how much I should write about it here on this blog beacuse it would give away parts of the book. But I guess if something really gets me thinking (which nothing has, but i havn't read much and also havn't been thinking much, too busy panicking) i will post my thoughts here. I guess that is most fair for the publishers/authors.

note the music player

note the music player, on the right hand side above the 'about me'. You have to click it twice, once to activate the control and once for it to actually play. And it only plays one song... I put Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata on there... I am sure everyone knows it and likes it... it's impossible (in my opinion) not to like, unless you have already closed your mind to classical music.

I have yet to get a music player that can play a playlist, and (more importantly) one that plays to visitors without them clicking on it (ie, they have to listen to it whether they like it or not). I look forward to this opportunity to coerce my music preferences upon others. (Let's face it, until I own my own concentration camp with nazi-style loudspeakers, this is as good as it will get.)

The cake that broke my heart

It is your church's 10th birthday. You decide to bake a small cake, to bring to church.. because everyone is expected to bring a plate of something.

You see a nice picture of a vanilla cake... and you go ahead... But it is a mess. In a quick last minute job, you make extra icing to cover up the crumbly bits.

The icing is sticky. The cake looks bad, and you suspect that you will never make it as a cake decorator. It looks toxic. But it is too late now.

How to transport the cake to church? It can not go in glad wrap or bag, the icing will stick. What if it falls over in the car? You envision the mess it would make. You coax your brother to hold it while you drive him to Chinese school.. and the rest of the way to church.. well you will just rely on the Good Lord.

You find out once you arrive that his Chinese school has changed locations. You quickly drive away, and get lost as you think you know a short cut but you don't. You arrive at the new location half an hour late. Oh crud... now you have to speed, and you have that cake on the floor. In the hot sun, the butter in the icing is starting to melt. You turn on the air-con, and you can feel your sensitive skin drying up and having an autoimmune fit. Double crud.

You see it moving as you drive... the drive to church never seemed so long before. It did not fall over, a mess was not made. (praise the lord!) You finally arrive... the church service has started. There is no where to park. Triple crud. You sneak to the rear hall, where the food is. All the food looks immaculate. Their cake is without crumbly bits. Yours is melted and dribbly and toxic. You want to cry. Thankful to the lord that no one is watching, you put the cake down and run away, glad that no one saw you with that dreadful cake. You cause a minor disturbance as you try find a seat in the crowded service hall, when everyone else is giving thanks. You also want to give thanks, but you need a place to sit first. After you're settled, you reflect upon that cake. I hope you're happy, Vanilla Cake, you broke my heart... you think... I am never making cake again.

After the service, it's time to eat. You do not see your cake on the table that you put it, and you dare not go looking for it. Perhaps some wise, kind-hearted, sensible wife of some elder (or something) has discretely taken it and put it away in the bin. You are glad - you don't want to confront it ever again.

The worst part is, even though you've had a hellish morning, you can't tell anyone about it. That would mean admitting you've made a cake, and then they would want to see the cake, and that must be avoided at all costs. So, you grit your teeth, and bear it. And when someone asks you how you are: "I'm fine. Just fine."

updates

What has Supersida been up to?

Nothing much. Been waiting for medicine offers to arrive. I have a feeling I will make it. But I don't want to give myself too much hope. But I do feel that I will make it. ohhhhhh.... Lets change the topic.

Attended an MRI seminar today. Most interesting part was probably a vet specialist talking about MRI scanning of dogs and cats - that was interesting, and funny. Can you imagine it? A specialist vetenary hospital, with emergency, Intensive Care, a radiology department... a million-dollar MRI scanner... on-call radiographers and doctors... it's just so funny, and so cute. (I'm sorry if I have offended animal enthusiasts - but I do find the concept of an animal on-call radiographer funny.)

Currently I am looking for a reading partner. I bought a book called The Purpose-driven Life by Rick Warren. Too many people recommended it to me for me to not read it. It is supposed to be a book to help you find your purpose in life, and you read a chapter per day, each chapter being only a few pages long. In the introduction, it recommends you to read with a friend or a group, that way you can bounce ideas off one another and gain maximum utility from the book (not worded in that way but that is the gist of it). I havn't started actually reading it, but would like to find someone to share the experience with. Anyone feel like reading a coupla pages a day for 40 days?

And that is all I have to say today. Mind's been blank lately.

I planted this tulip months ago. What a surprise when it actually flowered... 

 

my dodgy camera does not do justice to its beauty. I am not a big photography hobbiest, since taking images is my profession... but everytime I am in my garden, I want to capture it forever. I did not plant these roses, my mother did. 

On conformitism

Today, many people hold the philosophy that "I am who I am and I will not change myself to fit in/please those around me". Those people hold conformists in distain. When, long ago, someone called me a 'typical asian wannabe', I was most annoyed about the 'typical' part. I didn't like the idea of me being a 'typical' anything.

I recently read a blog entry, with someone writing a short treatise on conformatism... so, I have decided to give my two cents worth.

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. - Bruce Vaughan

In chatting with a friend recently, she told me that there was no such thing as 'free speech'. You may say what you like, and perhaps Voltaire will even defend to the death your right to say it... but say the wrong thing, and people could well sue you for defamation. Yes, true, defamation is wrong, and should be illegal. But the same applies to racist comments, and publications that inflame a group for the same of inflaming (here, I am thinking of the anti-muslim cartoons). However, when these occur, people say things like "these comments need to be brought to the open so we can debate them, because free speech is so important". Seems like it's not 'free speech', but rather 'free speech' within boundaries... or "free speech as long as you say what I don't mind hearing".

Here, I am digressing. But, if 'free speech' is really a myth, what about 'be yourself and no-one else?"

Our charactistics are a product of our upbringing and culture. This is a recognised view-point in our society. I am Christian, but I cannot tell if I would have ever become a Christian if I never left China. So, what is this 'our self' that we are supposed to be? With my friends, I am talkative and assertive. In my family, I am less so because I am with my parents and also because all of us has overpowering personalities, and as the milder one of the lot, I give in. When am I being 'myself'? My parents may be slightly surprised at my demeanor when I am with my friends, does mean that I am putting on an act for my parents? But surely not - for the last 19 years I have lived with my parents and I have never seen a need to 'act'. I don't put on an 'act' for my friends either - most has known me for years and years, and new friends I meet get to know me pretty fast.

The liberty of the individual must be thus far limited; he must not make himself a nuisance to other people. - John Stuart Mill

What J. S Mill meant was that, as much as we live in a 'free' society, our freedom is still necessarily limited. In otherwords, we are forced to 'conform' to a standard. We can say that we will be 'ourselves' - but we are so molded and affected that it feels wrong not to conform. (I am sorry, all you nonconformists out there... we humans are a social animal.) I take, for instance, a cocktail party. I don't feel comfortable in those dresses - I worry that my bad skin shows up or that I look fat. But I will never front up to my company's Christmas party (for example), wearing jeans and sneakers. I also don't have a partner to go with, which will also make me stick out like a pin.

Whether we like it or not, in different situations, people expect different things from us and we know we should conform. When one friend told me about his break-up, I thought it was pretty funny and nearly laughed. (It was just a funny situation, that's all!) However I kept my composure and managed to say "I am sorry". Living with the 'I will just be me and you can deal with it' ideology simply does not work.

When I was younger, I decided that I will be 'myself' (an ill-defined act of defiance against being 'someone else'). So I made a point of being 'myself' ... and because I preferred boyish stuff, I decided that girlish stuff was 'not me'. Of course, then I'd embarrass myself when I secretly admire someone's hair-accessory... As I grew older I realised there is no 'myself', that it is fluid and always changing. I was atheist, now I am Christian. I thought of myself as independant even though I depended upon my parents. Now, I have my own income and way of transport but daily I appreciate my parents more and more and not a day goes by without me praying to God for help.

If you have read this far, you would have formed your own opinions. By acting differently according to circumstance, am I a conformist? I don't see myself as one, but you may decide differently. I still like to dress up once in a while for a party, but I make a point of wearing comfortable shoes and no makeup. It's not "me being me", I just have no idea how to use make-up. In my everyday life I try to be like Christ, which is a form of conformitism, but day by day I fail. They say - "be true to who you are" - but I question the validity of that advice. So, do not conform to non-conformitism.

By the way if you have read this far I would like to thank you. Please leave a comment.

my interest in medical radiations

I put in my interests "medical radiation" and realised that I am the only person in Blogger that has that as an interest. I must sound like a nerd.

I must explain myself to those few people who actually read my profile. I am in the Medical Radiation field. As such, even if the subject is not a hobby, as a 'professional' in that field I have an interest in that field. Which means that I am interested to hear from other people who may have interesting insights in that area. Which, it turns out, is no body... at least not on Blogger anyway.

Perhaps I should try 'diagnostic imaging', or 'medical imaging' or even 'radiography' and see if there are anyone with that put down. I doubt it though... it's not something that people willingly admit to. In any case, you can imagine that really I am not that interested in medical radiations if I am orchestrating a career change to medicine.

As you can see, I am thinking too much, about a trivial matter. Which can only mean one thing (actually it can mean a number of things, but today only one is the case) - one boring, brain-rotting day at work, where the only challenges were physical rather than mental. A Monday that felt like a Friday, without the joyous prospect of the weekend, but the prospect of 4 more days just like this.

I ought to stop doing this. I am making myself be in a bad mood. (Does listening to an 8-yo boy playing the violin squeekily have anything to do with it?)

On trying to 'save' people

I know I have not been a Christian for long. I have only been baptised a couple of months. I have no authority by which I can tell people about the gospel and lead them to God.

But I think that evangelising isn't really about reasoning with people, or trying to prove the existance of God by some reason or logic. It is really more about leading people to feel god's prescence so that they are convinced by their hearts and not by their brains. That is what I have always believed.

And so, in my blundering, naive way, I thought my experience, my testimonial, is enough.

One of my friends has been going through some problems. Despite owning what I believe is if not a brilliant then at least an above-average brain, he failed university subjects several times. He is plagued by family issues and also some poor life decisions. I've tried helping him before by offering practical advice - how to concentrate to study, how to save his earnings, etc. Now, as a Christian, I see him in a new light. This person doesn't need my help, I thought. This person needs the Good Lord. So i initiate a conversation with him on MSN messenger.

Within two sentences into the conversation, he starts to tell me about his want for sexual experimentation. He says "you probably don't want to hear about it" then proceeds to tell more than I was interested in listening to. I did not help him find a focus for his life. I did not show him there was more to life. I did not tell him about my own experiences or my testimonials. I was just flabbergasted. I realised I was well and truly out of my depth.

My pastor once said "finding God is like finding a diamond mine. You want to tell everyone this great source of wealth you have found".

This is so true. Everyone I meet, all my friends, I think: how troubled they are! How much God can change their lives! If only! If only they were open to Him... And then, of course, comes the frustration.

The person who helped me out of my frustration was a Muslim friend. Despite our difference in faith he'd often give me encouragement when I felt disillusioned, sometimes from passages from the Quran. He told me that the choices people make, it's their own choice, and I can not help them. I can help those whoes hearts are open to God, but not those who made their choice already.

He did make me feel better, although I am not sure if he is right or wrong. How can I not try to show my friends the diamond mine?

Tips for Gamsat

This was written on 10th July this year. It is the only salvageable entry from my ill-fated Livejournal blog.

Gamsat tips
I think I've said last time that I will put some Gamsat tips up here. I believe they will be of more use to people than my daily woes. Some disclaimers-1. These tips worked for me. They may not work for you.2. I only got 51 for my written essays. I have some thoughts on preparing for essays but keep in mind i only got 51.

ok. So here we go. These are in no particular order.

1. if you don't do well in your first go, just take it as a practice run. Unless you do do well in your first go... in which case, stop reading this, you are too smart, go away. I got 60 first time I did it in 2005. Having done it before, the second time you do it, you feel much more confident and you are much better at preparing for the test as well as handling your nerves (and your time) on the day. So don't feel deflated if you are unhappy with your first score.

2. Go to a prep course. Prep courses are expensive, I know. I went to Des O'neill's prep course for my first attempt, but not for my second. In truth, his course probably taught me nothing that I didn't know already or couldn't learn from a textbook (with regards to science that is) in my own sweet time. I mean, cramming the sciences into 3 days really gets you no where. However, if there is something you don't understand it is a good chance to pick someone's brains out. But most importantly, Des O'neill (or any other major course provider) does make you feel confident. Des has many years' experience in the GAMSAT, so he knows some trends (eg which subjects are ALWAYS tested and which subjects are a pet area in recent years). The course left me feeling confident. And when I did it in 2006, i thought, many times, DAMN! Des said last year this might be on! But is it worth all that much money? Can't anwer that question.

3. For section 2, practice heaps

4. For section 1, read lots of 'complex' texts - newspapers, opinions, essays written by university academics, philosophy, political theory, classics, translated novels... Some of it is even interesting.

5. For section 3... Make sure you understand the key concepts. Don't stress too much about the detail. I have an anecdote about this... shortly after the Gamsat, a friend and I were chatting and he suddenly mentioned something about the Poly A tail. My reaction? Er, what is that? He was very surprised I didn't know it. Apparently it is like in introductory Biology, something about RNA transcription. (I never did yr12 bio or biology in uni). He said, "Didn't you learn this for the Gam?" and i replied "I just assumed that if needed it would be explained on the paper". He said "you are the poster girl for S3" (cos I got 82 in that section). Perhaps one shouldn't take such a laid-back approach but i don't think it's worthwhile stressing about specifics.

6. Visit a Gamsat Forum- talking with other Gamsatters helps a LOT. Go to www.vtac.proboards103.com the people on there are really helpful and it's a great place to soak up some Gamsat vibes and some great advice. For me, reading about other people stressing out made me more motivated to study.

7. Food on the day - I brought soooo much food to eat on the day. Just ask anyone who saw me. It was all carefully chosen to be low GI foods - nuts, avocados, the typical asian box of stir fry with rice, musli bars, lollies (for quick energy fixes in the afternoon). Not that I am suggesting that you do it... I have been laughed at for the amount of food I brought and I did feel silly but seriously I do not regret it. I also brought 2 bottles of water - one pure water and one which has sugar dissolved in it, for energy in the afternoon.

8. Enjoy the ride - I really enjoyed preparing for the Gamsat, both times. I love science and the second time around I also learnt to love reading the 'complex texts' and other people's complex ideas. Many of my friends say that I have not been the same since.

9. Pray - the essential and foremost element in all endeavours.

And I remembered one more thing - I listened almost exclusively to classical music, which apparently helps. (well I like classical music anyways )

It is cold and my fingers are cold. I can't think of anything else but if i do I will make amendments. Go to the forum, lots more tips from other people there.

About this blog

This blog is really a continuation of my old blog on Livejournal. In livejournal, I didn't like the fact that you had have ads placed on your blog or pay for the service to be able to make many customisations. Like most net users today, I want premium service, but I don't want to pay anything. So, here I am.

It is a little sad that I am changing journals. Some entries on Livejournal were written during some significant events in my life this year, such as my baptism, getting my Gamsat results, and the Medicine interview (looking back, it has been an eventful year). One day, when I am a doctor (hopefully), I hope to look back at the admissions process and laugh. I doubt that will happen: I will probably cry or at least shake my head.

I think at this point an introduction is nessecary. However, as I think about what I would write on such an introduction, I realise that there is nothing I can tell you that is not part of my profile. Everything else you will have to work out yourself.

The only thing salvageable from my old blog worth publishing here is my entry of advice to Gamsat-sitters, written shortly after I got my results. I will paste that here.

new blog

Will be moving blog to this site in the near future. Watch this space.