Turning away

"When the going gets tough, that's when the real choice is being made - to trust God? Or to turn away?"

The above was from my mentor.

What choice? What choice do I have? What if I turn away? What do I turn away to? To whom do I turn? When he first said it, it sounded good. But now I have no idea what he is talking about.

When the going gets tough - what else can I rely on? What can I rely on, when I am let down by myself and those around me? If I wanted to turn away - what then? He is my glimmer of hope, a promise that every tear will be wiped away. If I let go - how deep will I fall... what will break my fall?

Wrestling with God

Here, I'm referring to the biblical account of Jacob's wrestle with God - it is to be found in the book of Genesis, Chapter 32. To save you reading it all yourself (but I do suggest you read it yourself), I will do a quick synopsis on it for you.

Jacob is the second son of Isaac, and through deceit received the blessings that were meant for the oldest son, Esau. To flee from his brother's wrath, he ran away to Paddam Aram, where he (to cut a long story short), got married and had kids and became prosperous. The time came for him to return to his homeland, and to face his estranged brother. One night, on the road back, he sent his wives and all that he owned across a stream, he himself spending the night alone.

What follows is so bizarre I must describe it using the bible's own words: "So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said: 'let me go, for it is day-break'. But Jacob replied: 'I will not let you go unless you bless me.'" (Genesis 32:24-26, TNIV)

I do not want to launch into an interpretation of this wrestling - I am not a sufficiently avid theologian to even contemplate it. However, I do have some personal experiences that may relate to this paradoxical wrestling.

It happened a few days ago, I won't say what happened exactly, but it upset me quite a lot. It is interesting - I've read enough books and enough of the bible to know why we face trials like these, and to know that God is always with me and will be victorious in the end. But... faced with something that upset me, none of these lofty ideas were good enough to provide much comfort. Instead, I wanted no less than an assurance from God Himself that everything will be alright.

And so it was that I locked myself in my room, with the lights out, tears streaming down my face, rocking to and fro in the foetal position, wrestling with God. I did not blame God for the things that happen, nor want an explanation. I just wanted God to assure me that He is here with me and that everything will be ok. So I pleaded like a child, and even childishly said: "Bless me! I am not sleeping tonight until you bless me!"  I felt a little like a young child, grabbing the coat-tails of an adult and yelling: "No! Don't go! I'm not letting go!" Unlike Jacob, I could not last the night, and eventually, somehow, during my pleading and tantrums, I fell asleep.

I can't help but wonder if Jacob's wrestle is similar to my own. Like my own, it was a time of distress, and like me, Jacob merely wanted God's presence and blessing. Jacob's struggle was a physical as well as a spiritual one - he came away changed in character, but also with a dislocated hip. While I can not boast of a limp, I also did not come away unchanged.

I guess you're wondering, as I did, why God could not overpower Jacob. I think perhaps the answer lies in that God is our father - a parent. Few parents want to really hurt their children, and when the children are as wayward as ourselves (we who rarely come home and spend time with our father), our Father may well enjoy our presence whether we are worshipping or complaining. Philip Yancey said, in one of his books, that God did not leave Jacob until day-break, just to remain with His child and be held by His child's faith.

The other thing you're wondering about is whether God really did bless me that night when I clung on to His coat-tails. To be honest, I think I was too tired and in no state to receive any assurances from God. But the answer came a day later, when the whole issue was more or less resolved. Praise God...

Christian friendship

"A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. But my brothers are as undependable as intermittent streams..." - Job 6:14-15 

Then Job replied: "I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all!" - Job 16:2

Those who know me would know that I'm not always an adept communicator, particularly when it is most needed. But training as a health care professional has equipped me (somewhat) with some knowledge as to what to say and what not to say. Specifically, I'm talking about how to communicate with people when they are going through tough times, when they are sharing their feelings with you.

It is somewhat different when faced with friends, in particular Christian friends. As my friendship with my church friends grow deeper I'm finding that people are confiding in me more and I'm always at a loss as to what to say.

"God will carry you through," I want to say. "Really you shouldn't worry, Jesus said His yoke is easy. These trials are like a character-building exercise, the bible tells us to be thankful for these experiences, because through these we become strengthened and matured. I've had trials before, and I don't think they go forever."

Of course, I can never bring myself to say all this. These words sound so condescending, patronising, particularly if spoken to someone who is a more mature Christian than me. To someone going through all sorts of trials, how do I tell them to be thankful? How do I communicate these meanings without sounding arrogant and holier-than-thou? Furthermore, how can I tell my friends not to worry, to be thankful, when these are the very issues that I myself wrestle with every day?

Job lamented, among other things, that his friends were not able to empathise with him - instead they were patronising and condescending. But how easy it is to fall into that trap! How I wish I could say something, or do something to ease their minds...

But I guess it's not my place to do this - nor do I have the power. God is the God of healing, and God will heal them, not me. Who am I to imagine that I can provide comfort that only God can provide? Could Job's friends ever relieve his suffering? I can only turn my helplessness into prayer, a prayer of intercession for my friends. May God heal us all, amen.

Back to School

Today was orientation for the second year of my MBBS degree. I feel thankful, amazed, and somewhat reluctant - thankful to be here, amazed I'm here already, and somewhat reluctant to let go of my holidays.

I've been assigned to the Mater Misericordiae Hospitals, which I can't complain about since it was my first choice. It is smaller than the other teaching hospitals and therefore I thought I might benefit from the smaller groups and easier administration.

The Mater Misericordiae Hospitals (or at least, the parts I saw today, which wasn't much) is very interesting indeed. The student sections were not impressive - one PBL room was an "annexe" that was connected to a larger common room (which had occasional seminars and was not open 24 hours), the other was a larger room with temperamental air-conditioning, also shared with "some 3rd years sometimes". The rooms did not have wireless Internet access (and indeed required some special procedure to access the ports). The lockers were of two varieties - one was abundant in numbers but becomes so overheated it is capable of melting laptops, the other is more secure but limited in number. I was disappointed with the studying conditions set up - it is as if the rooms were haphazardly chosen and prepared.

The hospitals are administered by the Sisters of Mercy and in almost every room that I have been to, there has been a small and unobtrusive crucifix on the wall. In a hallway I saw a large statue of Christ, and various other monuments of the Virgin Mary and what I assumed was various saints. Hanging in a PBL room was a large print of the Last Supper painting. Although I can't say much for the studying environment, I will be certain to study carefully the paintings and statues.

The topics for the next few weeks have already been given - and the first module is immunology, which some of you may know, is one of those subjects that I wished didn't exist. Even though classes have not yet started, I already have a list of learning topics and stuff fore review.

Sigh.

Deborah and Esther

I used to have a really biased view of Christian women. Well, maybe not of Christian women as they are today, but what it takes to be the optimal Christian woman. My view was largely influenced by the biblical Queen Esther, who had a whole book of the Bible devoted to her tale. Her story was told in children's books and Sunday schools (and yes, I had accessed both of these to varying degrees when young), and she dominated one's imagination like Cinderella or Snow White.

If you don't know the story of Esther you really should read it, if not in the Bible then you should at least wiki it. The story is a worthy read, if only for its entertainment value. Of course, being a Christian young woman, I study Esther somewhat more than for its entertainment value. The story of Deborah (described in the book of Judges, chapters 4 and 5) is also worthy of interest, the reasons for which I will expound upon later.

Queen Esther generally gives the impression of being someone very meek and indeed very feminine. Of course meek does not mean weak - Esther had incredible resolve and strength of character, and, perhaps, a shrewd wisdom. The bible describes her obeying Mordecai's commands, winning the favour of all who saw her, and winning the heart of a mighty and (perhaps somewhat ruthless) king. God used her greatly, using her to save the Jewish people from genocide (a feat for which few others could single-handedly claim credit). Perhaps that is her character - obliging, like water, yet resolved like ice.

I once heard a talk where the speaker (a woman) said: "Esther is God's gift to women - so we may see how we are to be like. Esther bent the king to her will - how? She dressed herself in her finery, prepared a feast, and pleaded through tears." Perhaps that is how you win a man over - dress up, feed him, then cry. But that left me feeling extremely dissatisfied. For a long time I held her up as the single role model to women provided by God, and greatly admired all the soft-spoken, gentle, acquiescent Christian women in the world. I strove to fit myself to what I imagine Esther to be - but I am too different, and was left feeling confused and extremely frustrated.

Then along came mighty Deborah. Though she did not have a whole book of the bible devoted to her, she nevertheless saved Israel from harsh oppression from Canaanites. Deborah is a stark contrast from Esther. She was a prophetess, a judge, and a ruler. She did not shy away from the bloodiness of the battlefield, nor did the prospect of Canaanite chariots hinder her. Like Esther, she had a resolve like steel and a humility that causes the beholder to pause and reflect upon his own pride. But God used her in a way totally unlike Esther. Could Esther have saved Israel by her royal finery and tears? I can only imagine what would have happened if Deborah was in Esther's place. The bible makes no mention of Deborah's beauty, nor her winning favours with everyone she meets (does a ruler need to win favours?). Indeed, I can imagine Deborah having a lengthy debate with the king (after all, she is a judge and ruler). Praise God that we can all be used in different ways! And... praise God... we are allowed to be different to Esther (or the gentle-soft-cliche) and still be able to be used by God!

I have not reached Esther or Deborah in my Women of the Bible devotional yet, but I can't wait til I do. These two are undoubtedly my favourite two women in the bible, but I've come to recognise that the bible contains many intriguing female characters waiting to be found.