Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all Sida's loyal readers! (although I think that is possibly only think_next and Stacy, and even Stacy hasn't been seen lately. She has gone holidaying, and has (presumably) better things to do...)

Christmas has always been a time to look back, and I've always hated looking back. Like the song: "So this is Christmas, what have you done?" and the answer has always been more or less: nothing.

Compared to all that, I have had a great year. I got into medicine, and I opened my heart to God, and started, so to speak, my spiritual pilgrimage. And next year promises to be good too, I'll be studying a course I love, working enough to have some money but not enough to be sick of it, and striving to make every day, every action an act of worship. At this point, I should probably think of some resolutions for next year, but I don't think I will. It'll be just the usual ones - be organised, exercise more, etc.

So I have compiled a short list of the things I learnt this year.

1. God loves me
2. If I do something to strain a muscle such that it hurts a lot, then for the next few days I won't eat chocolate, because that means that the pain would have no gain...
3. It is difficult to eat a hamburger while driving a manual car, but it can be done.
4. Plants need watering. Particularly ones in a pot
5. Boil anything edible with noodles, and it becomes noodle soup
6. After drinking any amount of alcohol, it is a good idea to keep one's mouth shut
7. Panic is bad
8. Driving is a good time to karaoke
9. In operating theatres, it is a good idea to ignore the surgeon, and certainly some of the nurses too. If irked enough, one can always entertain the thought of 'tripping over' into their sterile field...
10. If you say 'it's all good' enough times, you may be able to fool others, but not yourself.

Merry Christmas and happy 2007.

On service

I know I said before I was going to limit the amount of religious stuff I put on here, but I just thought I'd share my experiences from this Sunday.

I was due to be 'usher' this Sunday, and it was the first time I'd been rostered to do any jobs. (I guess the number of things a new member can be trusted with is limited. The number of things I trust myself to do is limited...) So basically, I was to sit at a table at the entrance, smile nicely at people, and hand to them our weekly service program. If there are new people then I give them a little form that asks for their name and contact details. So I asked my bible study leader how early I should go, and I was thinking about half an hour early, so 9.30am. He said 9am. I was surprised, but I went along at 9.

So there I was, at 9am, sitting at the little table at the front. This position gave me a unique view of the service, because I was behind everyone, behind the chairs, so that I felt like I wasn't really part of the congregation at all. At 9, the place was already abuzz. The chairs were already set up (we use a primary school hall), as were the speakers and sound system, the OHP, and the tables outside for sharing the food. My bible study leader was at the piano, others were practicing their songs, or making last minute touches to the powerpoint slide. People were outside, too, doing what I'm not sure. Everyone was about, busying about something. (Yes, and there I was, sitting at my little spot behind the desk, observing, but not lending a hand).

By the time the actual service started at 10am, there were actually not many people walking through the doors. And I realised that most people were actually already here, part of the bustling workers. A few more families did walk through the door, but that was it. Well over half the congregation were there before the service to help prepare.

At this time I realised the meaning of the word service. This is service. Serving each other, and in doing so, serving God. Actually I knew it before, because I had read it in books, but this is the first time I actually witnessed it. From my position at the desk, it was like a movie where I was disconnected from it all and seeing it as an outsider.

These people give away literally their entire weekend. What kind of young person gives away their entire weekend? I knew that my bible study leader got to church at 8, 2 hours ahead of time. By the looks of it, so did a whole bunch of other people. It's their life, literally. No wonder Christianity strikes fear in my dad's heart. Indeed, what if his daughter left her studies? What if his daughter did the same as the others, when will she find time to study? What if she decides to throw it all away? For something that, to him, is worthless since it gives neither monetary gains nor promises to give monetary gains, at least in this life.

I guess now it's time to express how the experience has affected me. I realised that, as much as I do participate in the church, much of the time I am being served rather than serving. I feel as if this experience should have taught me to serve more, but how? To do what? And after all that, I still don't know how I fit into that picture, the picture of the people bustling about. (To be clear, bustling doesn't come naturally to me. Standing there wondering what I should do comes naturally.). So I'm probably back at where I was before, which is to do whatever I am told to do.

my MRBS offer

I recieved an email yesterday from UQ. This is what they said:

Dear Sida:
I would like to inform you that a Medical Rural Bonded Scholarship(MRBS) place has become available. If you are interested in receivingthis scholarship, please let me know as soon as possible (the next dayor so) so I can send you a contract in the mail.

Actually the email was sent on Thursday, so when I read this on Friday morning, you can imagine my panic. I have less than two short hours before work to decide to accept or decline!

Let me describe the scholarship to those who don't know about it. It is a bid by the government to try and get doctors into rural or remote areas. What happens is this: they give you around $23,000 a year, for the duration of your medical degree (four years, accumilating to nearly 100,000). After you graduate, you train as per usual, and after you have reached your destination (whether you want to be a specialist or a GP), you go and work in a rural area for 6 years. If you are a specialist, the 'rural' area can be a large centre such as cairns or toowoomba. If you are a GP it would have to be somewhere more remote than that.

I spent a whole agonising day thinking about it, the money is so nice it's hard to turn down. $23,000 a year as a student, it almost means I don't need to worry about work, and buy myself a niiice laptop and mp3 player and an expensive stethoscope and all that. But then, to give 6 years away post fellowship (which is almost 10 years down the track) is too much. I do have a view to work in rural areas, but only for short times, and only intermittently, and not BOUND to it.

To breach the contract, you will have to give the money back plus interest, but more importantly, you can't work privately and bill to medicare for 12 years.

I chose not to take it in the end, as I don't really want to be bound when my future is still undecided. I don't want to take it only to break the agreement. One day, though, I may regret my decision, I may end up spending 6 years in a rural place anyways (although I doubt it, especially post fellowship). When I look at people with scholarships, not worrying much about money, I will think, that could have been me. But oh well.

UQ Med Interview Experience 2006

I said before that I will post about my interview experience, and I've put it off because I couldn't bear to think about it before my offer came. Then when my offer came I was too lazy to think about it. But here I am now. Better late than never, right?

I think, on the whole, my interview was not too different (if at all) from recounts of previous years. You can find other people's recounts in the Paging Dr forum http://vtac.proboards103.com/index.cgi

The usual type of questions (not in order)

• What do you do with your spare time? (Said to be a community involvment question in disguise)
• Current issues facing Qld Health? (Look-upable on the Qld Health website)
• Why do you want to be a doctor?
• Have you had contact with working doctors?
• What do you think are some difficulties doctors face?
• What makes a good doctor?
• Have you come up against any difficulties, situations where you really felt you failed? How did you deal with it?
• How will you support yourself during med?
• Define terms: Pretend you are explaining these terms to lay people (in the scientific terms, I was a teacher explaining to school-aged children. In the social terms, I was a guest on the radio). You get to choose from three terms. I can't remember my terms, but I do recall I chose inertia and flowchart. I even said out loud that I chose those because they seem to be the easiest. (me and my big mouth).
• The debate: choose from 3 controversial topics, state your view on them. then they will state an argument of the opposite view, and you have to say something back, to stand your ground. This goes on for 2 or 3 rounds. Mine was: capital punishment, deforestation, and heroin injection rooms. I chose heroin injection rooms.
• Story and summary: The interviewers read out a short story, and then they asked me a few questions. I was asked to summarise the story and then to answer a few questions, mainly to do with empathy. (eg, how did X feel? Why did the author mention Y?)
• What are some of your good qualities and some of your bad qualities?

The interview lasted for 35 minutes, I think it is supposed to last longer? My panel was one lady and one man, the lady was Head of Psychiatry at the SOM (I think) and the man was a GP. Was a bit scared at being interviewed by a psychiatrist.

And now for my personal remarks...

• When asked what I do in my spare time, I said that as I am working full time, I enjoy simple things like spending time with my family. They asked, when I was a student and had more time, what did I do? Obviously this is to see if I had any community involvment. I told the truth: Nothing much. I did get involved with the Amnesty International for a concert, but my contribution was so minute it's hardly worth mentioning. They didn't ask anything further. In spite of that, I got in.
• My response to the current issues in QLD was very standard, as my brain froze at that point. I had other ideas for improving the status quo and stuff which I didn't mention. But I still got in, in spite of that.
• When asked of some of difficulties facing doctors, I should have said something about work load. But instead I said what was on my mind at the moment. I remembered the doctors I work with and said "everyone expects the doctor to know everything. The ancilliary staff, the patients, nurses. I think there is quite a bit of pressure there." What! I still cringe at the thought of what I said.
• People say not to mention religion. But when asked how I deal with my failures, I said I pray. So I guess it's not that bad. They nodded when I said that. But then, I didn't say "I pray to the God who hath mercy in spite of my transgressions, yea, whoes power is made perfect in my weakness." Hehe...
• When asked how I will support myself, I had meant to say that I can live off my parents, and work if necessary. But what I ended up saying was that it is quite easy for me to find weekend positions as a radiographer, and my parents don't mind me staying with them anyways. But they didn't reject me because I said I was going to work.
• I giggled. I can't believe it now, but I'm sure I giggled. I forgot the interviewers were meant to be stony-faced. "Hehe", I remember saying. "I choose inertia, it's the easiest, haha." then: "Hehe, I'll choose flowchart, it is also the easiest there, hehe". The dude looked like he was falling asleep at one stage, but the lady was very nice and both of them did smile back at me. I guess the key is to relax and talk to them as you would anyone you just met - amicably, but with restraint. Giggling is not necessarily the best thing though, especially for guys.
• In the debate, towards the end, I had virtually no new arguments. All I could do was to say, weakly, "Yes, that is a valid point, but I think it is more important that:" and then state one of my previous arguments. I felt horrible, but I guess since I got in it couldn't have been that bad.
• I wanted to make my 'bad' qualities sound 'good'. I said that I find that I needed to speak up with working in a team at work, which I have difficulty doing since I am on the lowest rung of the ladder. I was trying to explain this, when the psychiatrist said "So you have confidence problems?" and I said "uh, something like that, yes". But I don't! I don't have confidence problems, I just have difficulty speaking up when faced with scary surgeons and scarier operating theatre nurses. So the interview panel thinks that I am working on my 'confidence'. But once again, I guess it's not a rejectable offence.

Look how much I'd posted, I hadn't meant to post this much. Looks like I recall more than I thought I would. I have shared some of my responses, but I don't actually think I responded all that well, and I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Hope this helps.

Sida's Secret Santa experience

Yes, secret santa at work.

When I picked out a name from the box, it said "Margaret W" and I assumed it was the only Margaret I knew, that is, the funny, bubbly red-headed nurse that I loved to work with. I bought her a little glass angel figurine, a glass lotus, and, as a joke, a little decorative ear-picker.

I wasn't around when the presents were opened, having been called to theatre, so when I came back, I sidled up to her and said "so, did you like your present?" and she showed me - some chocolates and other miscelanious little things. Imagine my consternation - it's not what I bought her! What is going on! Worst thing with secret Santa is that you couldn't say anything, it being secret. So I went around the whole afternoon feeling very troubled. Where did my carefully-bought little figurines go? I couldnt' say anything to anyone, so there I was, discreetly looking in the cupboards and even considering other people's gift bags. Terrible time. Margaret came up to me, and said "you look troubled" to which I replied: "I'm very confused about something." She said "Well, if it is about radiology, I can't help you. I'm a nurse." And walked away.

So anyway it turned out there are two Margarets. One was the nurse, one was the typist who I only see once in a blue moon, I don't even know where the typing-room is. Mine was the typist. Luckily I put 'W' on my card, so my present went to the right person. I felt such a fool, and so glad that Margaret W didn't go without a present, but I was also disappointed because I didn't get to explain the little man on a stick was an ear-picker and not a drink stirrer, and I didn't get to see her reaction. I'm over my disappointment now, as I imagine her opening her bag to see the beautiful little angel and the lotus. Who could it be? Hehe, I like this annonymous gift-giving.

So anyway, I got a hanging-thing from my 'secret santa', who couldn't keep a secret. One of those crystal-things that you hang on your window, with butterflies and stuff. The guy who gave it to me was so funny, his antics were worth more than the gift itself. "Soooo Sida, what did Santa give you? Ooo, Isn't that lovely?" He said. After I'd indicated that it was obvious to me who it was from, he gave me a detailed explanation of the significance of the beads. The red ones signify this-and-this, the purple ones mean that-and-that, the butterflies bring so-and-so. He said all this with a pause in between, and I wondered if he was making it all up. Inside, I was like "but I don't believe in that crap!" But all I said was "right, right, interesting". So anyway, it is now up on my window next to a windchime I got for my birthday. It doesn't catch the light the way he says it would, because (I suspect) it is plastic and not crystal. But it looks good and reminds me of a kind old soul.

ohhhhh... i feel twice my age

I said last time that I was going to be super busy, and that I was going to love it.

I take it all back! I hate it! I am just so tired, and it's been giving me reflux, and I feel literally twice my age, or even trice. How many twenty-year-olds do you know get reflux?

I'm not even going to describe my week. All I can say is that I had the worst week of my life (or at least the worst week in my memory). It also involved about 1.5 hours of overtime, the pay for which I recieve is JUST worth the additional exhaustion.

I was recounting my week to Ernie, a boy from church yesterday. I was really just complaining to him about it all, then he suddenly he said: "Pray". It was then that I realised I hadn't prayed properly for days. I prayed short prayers but didn't spend quiet time with God, and hadn't actually prayed properly. Then I looked at Ernie; he has such a simple outlook on life, and yet in that simplicity, such wisdom, from a high-schooler. God makes me learn lessons from those younger than me, teaching me to be humble.

And that is the reason, my dear ones, why I do not have a new 'verse of the week' this week.

Busy busy.

Just some more updates. Still dreading work. I have learnt to be stoic, to tell myself the pain in my calfs are helping me loose weight.

I'm so busy now, and I don't know how it happened. Is it just that it's the end of the year? Or was my involvement in the church increasing steadily and I would have reached this point even if it were May or July? Hmm.

Nah, it's just that it's the end of the year.

For example, Wednesday night: 21st birthday party. Saturday 8-2pm: Work, then get changed into civilian clothes for youth group. Saturday 3-5pm: youth group at church, then get changed into night clothes. Saturday 6.30pm til late: work Christmas party. Sunday: Take friend to church, spend some time with her after church, perhaps watch a movie, and chat. (And I should be going to a youth group xmas performance practice too... but that can have a higher priority some other time.) Next weekend: more youth group, spend some time with a friend from Syd (perhaps), take another friend to Christian shop, church, after-church practice...

See? How did it happen? I'm planning weekends WEEKS before they happen.

Not that I'm complaining. I'm enjoying most of it, it should be fun. (Except maybe the working on Saturday). But my mum was right. I really am going to cut back on something next year when I study.

My dad lent our digital camera to a friend of his. When we get it back I will post a photo and an accompanying treatise on mortality.

whats going on in Sida-land

In short: nothing much. Work has been dragging, each week passes like two weeks (or more). Perhaps I am too proactive in my work, because sometimes I am sure that I am the one doing all the physically demanding work, while others are elsewhere, perhaps all huddled together to do one CT scan. I don't say anything, because then it seems like I can't handle the work, which I can. I just get innately annoyed. I guess this thing happens to PDY's / interns everywhere. It's what you get for being on the bottom rung.

My parents think that I am spending too much time on church-activities. They said this after last weekend, when I was out for the whole weekend nearly. Saturday morning, shopping (groceries for family); Saturday afternoon, youth fellowship. Saturday night: dinner and karaoke with friends. Sunday morning, church; Sunday afternoon, practicing our Christmas concert dance thingy. I do admit that I have had a busy weekend, but I didn't think my dad's comment that I wasted my time on "pointless things" was called for. For one thing, it's my weekend. For another, I had been working hard all week, I think the weekend is a good time to do 'pointless' things. Last but not least, I can not think of anything more meaningful than worshipping and serving God. But I didn't argue with my dad. I just left the room.

My desire to do oncology as a specialisation has been met with raised eyebrows. People say: "Why would you want to work in a field where you tell people that they die in X months time?" And to tell the truth, I don't know why. I just feel like it is something that I can dive into. Besides, not all cancer patients die.

Um. I think that is about it. In my spare time I am currently reading up on evidence for creation theory, and also doing a study plan (sort of thing) of the new testiment. The old testiment is too long and too unchewable; it can wait for next year.