This sunday I was listening to a Christian radio station while driving to church, and I heard a guy praying for the audience. It was a very nice prayer, asking God to bless the listeners and guide them and let them be a light for the people around them (ie non-christians).
Towards the end, he prayed that the listeners may have "success without compromise".
This stuck in my mind and I have to admit when I first heard it I was a little taken aback. Of course what exactly he meant by "success without compromise" I'm unsure of. But when I first heard it I thought it meant that we may have success (in the normal sense of the word, meaning worldly success) without compromising our Christian values. I guess it could also mean the other way around: that we be successful in a spiritual sense (pleasing God and being a light to others) without compromising our worldly needs.
Why did this statement offend me slightly? It's what we all would love to have, right? The best of both worlds - to be successful in life without compromising our conscience. I admit that I would love to have this 'success without compromise'. Currently, I spend a lot of time studying and the amount of time I spend serving others, or even just participating with others in religion, is compromised. That offends my conscience. I try to maintain my bible reading and prayers everyday but sometimes I am just so tired I only read a few lines of the bible before I know I will need to shut it or I will sleep with my head on top of it (and ruin my lovely expensive leather-bound silver-trimmed blue-ribboned bible). Success without compromise, yes, that would be nice. (I am being honest here...)
But to pray for it? I feel it is almost like saying to God: "Yes, I love you, but I also love the world, so please don't make me compromise my success in the world."... or "The worldly things are so important to me I don't want have to compromise them". Of course, I am not saying that following God necessarily means that we have to be poor, in fact, there is a school of thought that God intends for us to enjoy the fruits of His creation. But to pray to God that we don't have to compromise?
As I said before, I am currently in a state of 'compromise'. If I go to all the extra youth group activities, I don't study, and I fall behind, or at least feel like I am falling behind. If I don't, I feel guilty. I have never prayed for Him to take that guilt away, I just rely on his mercy and understanding. I also try to make my learning experience an act of worship, reminding myself of the ingenuity of His creation when I study. I try to remind myself to do mini-prayers throughout the day (something I read from a Philip Yancey book). I pray for Him to forgive me, to open my mind to his creation, and to allow me to be a good doctor one day. But never 'success without compromise'. The idea of it itself is strange.
I am in the process of finding in the bible all the bits that indicate our relation to the worldly, and how we are to enjoy this 'success'. This is an interesting topic, so I will probably consult my bible study leaders and the bible itself, and post here with the results. This is an appeal to whoever is reading this: what do you think of this "Success without compromise"? Perhaps I misunderstood the guy. All comments welcome. Even if you know me personally. Really.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Miserere Mei, Deus
I changed the "Sing for the moment" to "Miserere Mei, Deus", the great chant by Gregorio Allegri. Laudate Dominum by Mozart is beautiful, but the sound was of a poor quality and besides it's time for a change.
I don't usually make a blog entry about changes in music and in 'verse of the week', but I feel I must explain myself, seeing as I think that Gregorian chants written in the 16th century is probably not everyone's cup of tea. But be open minded, listen to it, with the volume nice and low. It's a beautiful piece. (Keep listening to it, there is a wonderful soprano bit in the middle.) I don't usually like chants myself but I make an exception for "Miserere Mei, Deus". (When the going gets tough, there are two circumstances in which I can have a good cry, one is listening to this chant, the other is sitting infront of the piano (which I play badly) when no one else is home).
Miserere Mei, Deus means "have mercy on me, O God", the first verse of the Psalm 51 (which is also a beautiful piece). Allegri wrote it for some part of the long complex Catholic mass, and some pope along the line liked it so much he declared it must not be played anywhere outside of the Sistine Chapel at the appointed time. Transcription and copying of the work was forbidden.
The story follows that Mozart, at age 12, in 1770 (a few hundred years down the track), visited the Sistine Chapel with his father Leopald during Easter, and heard the Miserere. That night, on returning to his lodgings, he wrote the entire piece down from memory, returning later with it hidden in his hat to make minor corrections.
Ok, well, I just felt like sharing that with you. Next time I will put something contemporary on, really.
I don't usually make a blog entry about changes in music and in 'verse of the week', but I feel I must explain myself, seeing as I think that Gregorian chants written in the 16th century is probably not everyone's cup of tea. But be open minded, listen to it, with the volume nice and low. It's a beautiful piece. (Keep listening to it, there is a wonderful soprano bit in the middle.) I don't usually like chants myself but I make an exception for "Miserere Mei, Deus". (When the going gets tough, there are two circumstances in which I can have a good cry, one is listening to this chant, the other is sitting infront of the piano (which I play badly) when no one else is home).
Miserere Mei, Deus means "have mercy on me, O God", the first verse of the Psalm 51 (which is also a beautiful piece). Allegri wrote it for some part of the long complex Catholic mass, and some pope along the line liked it so much he declared it must not be played anywhere outside of the Sistine Chapel at the appointed time. Transcription and copying of the work was forbidden.
The story follows that Mozart, at age 12, in 1770 (a few hundred years down the track), visited the Sistine Chapel with his father Leopald during Easter, and heard the Miserere. That night, on returning to his lodgings, he wrote the entire piece down from memory, returning later with it hidden in his hat to make minor corrections.
Ok, well, I just felt like sharing that with you. Next time I will put something contemporary on, really.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Medicine is crazy
Medicine, and everyone in it, or associated with it, is crazy.
I have been a med student for 4 weeks. A good proportion of my lecturers and tutors is crazy. The course is crazy, the workload is crazy. The other students are crazy. The immune system is crazy. Everyone, and every thing, is crazy. Which can only mean one thing - that I'm crazy, and everyone else is normal.
I have been a med student for 4 weeks. A good proportion of my lecturers and tutors is crazy. The course is crazy, the workload is crazy. The other students are crazy. The immune system is crazy. Everyone, and every thing, is crazy. Which can only mean one thing - that I'm crazy, and everyone else is normal.
- The teaching staff is crazy. Many of them fit into stereotypes: eg- the hard-core pathologist, the confusing ethicist, the nurse who says, as a joke, "next time, bring chocolates". But then, there's the pharmacist who went through the mathematics of pharmacokinesis in one hour. And the other pharmacist who told us that pharmacists are obsessive-compulsive-anal-retentives. And the PA hospital orientation lecture, taking place at 8am, just to tell us that there is a library there and that we need to be nice to the staff and patients. crazy. (At this point I must say, my PBL tutor is lovely.)
- The students are crazy. They somehow seem to find it okay. No one feels like it's hard or overwhelming. Everyone is having a ball. Perhaps they are just not admitting it? Or is it just me? Next Friday they are having a "sports day", where med students dress up in scrubs and drink and get red dye over each other. Those crazy med students drink like fishes. How can they drink so much when there is so much work to do? Someone is crazy, and I prefer to think it's them.
- The immune system is crazy, in a good, interesting, but crazy way.
The reason why I'm complaining so much on blogger is, I've realised, because I have no one else to do it to. The other med students are so on top of it all, when I ask them how they are finding it, they say "good, good", even if they don't have a science background. When I talk to my non-med friends about it, they just say to me: "Sida, you're smart, you'll be alright" or something along those lines. I know they say it because they don't know what else to say. But I don't feel smart right now, and I don't feel like I'll be alright, and when they say that, I feel like I'm going to crash and burn even more. I guess what I need is validation, someone to say: "You're not nuts, Sida. It's ok to feel like you're going to drown." (Oh boy, I've applied the communication skills lecture to myself... now I KNOW I'm going nuts.)
*sigh* So there we go, another complaining blog entry.
Um, I did have fun at microbiology last week. We were doing a gram-stain (which is supposed to go: purple mixture (forgot name) - water wash- iodine - water wash - alcohol - safranin). We put on the purple thing first, then the safranin, then realised the alcohol comes before the safranin, so we washed the safranin off, then alcohol, then safranin again. Then we (my lab partner and I) looked at the iodine and thought: where does this come in? When we realised, we washed our slide with alcohol again, and then put iodine on, and then safranin. The gram stain is supposed to come out purple or pink, depending on the bacteria on the slide... my partner and I were dreaming of how we might have invented a new staining method and be rewarded with a nobel prize, but when we put it under the microscope, it was just a slush of brown. When the tutor asked us how we were going, the response was unanimous - "Fine, fine, thanks."
My microbiology lab partner is a cool canadian dude with a cool accent and a neuroscience major. But he's bloddy smart. Everyone's so bloddy smart.
Oh, it's Chinese New year's eve. Happy new year, everyone who reads this. Living away from China, one doesn't get in as much spirit as one should.
Monday, February 12, 2007
my thoughts on 'The Secret'
Hmmm. Actually I'm finding difficulty thinking of a diplomatic, nice, unprovocative way to say 'it's a load of crap'.
To anyone who is unaware of what 'The Secret' is, it is the "law of attraction", which states (more or less) that the universe responds to your thoughts and the things you dwell your mind on. If you dwell your mind on positive things, things you would like to have or would like to have happen to you, the universe reponds to that and gives you positive things. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csiAsbPxmmY if you want to see a video on it.
The first time I saw it was on TV, channel 9 (or 7, I forgot). I didn't watch all of it, but I watched enough to get the gist of what they were saying (after all the so-called 'law' of attraction is very simple).
It's rather interesting, because we've always had a law of attraction, called "Murphy's Law". When they showed the guy thinking "I'm going to be in late, I don't want to be late" and then getting stuck in a traffic jam, I thought: that's the Murphy's Law! They stole Murphy's Law!
Also, interestingly, the Chinese have also always had a similar theory, and they called the 'positive' and 'negative' things 'qi', meaning literally air, but more aptly translated as 'energy'. A chinese would hope to bring good 'energy' into their lives by saying auspicious things to each other at New Years, and avoiding topics like illness and death (especially at the start of the new year). When my brother says things like "don't crash", he always gets growled at by my mum. Neither of my parents wanted to listen when I wanted to discuss the possibility of organ donation with them.
Of course, although this is interesting, it doesn't make it true. (The Chinese also believed in dragons and gods and buddas and demons and ancestor-worship.) There are truthful elements and preposterous elements to this theory. Let me go through the truthful elements first.
The "law of attraction" (I really hate to call it that, though) promotes positive thinking, which is good. It is true that quite often, if we say, for example, "I'm too dumb to get into medicine", then we probably won't. But I believe it's not because the universe responds to your thoughts, I believe that when you say "I'm too dumb", you are confirming it in your own mind and therefore have less motivation and set yourself up to fail.
Have you ever surprised yourself, though? I know I have. Countless times, I think "crap, I'm going to miss the train, I don't wanna miss the train, I'm going to be late for work," but I catch the train, or I'm not very late at all. When I did my Gamsat the first time, I thought I was going to get around 64, and I was feeling quite good. I got 60. Second time, I was more realistic, and thought for sure that I will get no more than 3 above my first score. I was very worried that I'd done worse the second time, it was my main concern. By the grace of God, (and I mean it) I got 71. 2005 I was on the 60th percentile (I achieved higher or the same as 60% of candidates), and in 2006 I was on the 96th percentile. If the 'law of attraction' were true, I should have gotten lower. Despite my high score, I was worried that I wouldn't get in. I'd mentioned in the interview that I would work during my studies, that I was Christian, and that I had no community involvement worth talking about ( I shouldn't have worried but I did). But I still got in, with a Commonwealth-Supported-Place.
It is difficult for me to refute the 'law of attraction' using logic and reasoning, as I am not a philosopher and have no experience/training in logic. I can only use the above example. But consider if the universe really did 'respond' to our thoughts and notions, does that mean it's personified? How does a physical entity such as the universe, in which we live, become personified? If the universe (or indeed any super-human entity) 'responds' to our thoughts and desires in such a indiscrimminate, mechanical, constant manner, such that we can manipulate it (and our outcomes), what meaning does that give our lives? A predictable mechanism controls our fates, we control that mechanism, but to what end? Perhaps we will achieve material 'success', but that is no longer nessecarily due to our endevours, only that we manipulated the universe. Anyone can do it.
Interestingly, in the film clip, they recommend you write down what you want, but start off with "I'm thankful for..." but who do we thank? The universe? I'm always amused when non-religious people say they are thankful.
And of course I cannot end a commentary like this without discussing my religious view. God raised up many people that did not have positive attitudes. The most famous is Moses, who thought himself inarticulate and clumsy, and was concentrating on the negatives of God's commands (that the task was so big and himself so incapable). One of our youth groups is named after Gideon, who thought himself small and weak but was used by God to be a mighty warrior and defeated a great army. (It is a favourite story in our church, and "The LORD is with you, mighty warrior." (Judges 6:12 NIV) is commonly heard in encouragement to young people. ) I do try to have confidence, and try to be positive (which, at times, is difficult), but not because of "The Secret", but because I believe that, ultimately, I am in God's hands. As much as I do complain, I do believe that God will take care of me. It's very unchristian of me to complain I guess. It's just that there is much to complain about sometimes...
This ends my commentary on 'The Secret'. I don't think I did a good job of explaining or rationalising a theory that I believe is illogical. But there it is. By the way, think_next, do I know you?
To anyone who is unaware of what 'The Secret' is, it is the "law of attraction", which states (more or less) that the universe responds to your thoughts and the things you dwell your mind on. If you dwell your mind on positive things, things you would like to have or would like to have happen to you, the universe reponds to that and gives you positive things. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csiAsbPxmmY if you want to see a video on it.
The first time I saw it was on TV, channel 9 (or 7, I forgot). I didn't watch all of it, but I watched enough to get the gist of what they were saying (after all the so-called 'law' of attraction is very simple).
It's rather interesting, because we've always had a law of attraction, called "Murphy's Law". When they showed the guy thinking "I'm going to be in late, I don't want to be late" and then getting stuck in a traffic jam, I thought: that's the Murphy's Law! They stole Murphy's Law!
Also, interestingly, the Chinese have also always had a similar theory, and they called the 'positive' and 'negative' things 'qi', meaning literally air, but more aptly translated as 'energy'. A chinese would hope to bring good 'energy' into their lives by saying auspicious things to each other at New Years, and avoiding topics like illness and death (especially at the start of the new year). When my brother says things like "don't crash", he always gets growled at by my mum. Neither of my parents wanted to listen when I wanted to discuss the possibility of organ donation with them.
Of course, although this is interesting, it doesn't make it true. (The Chinese also believed in dragons and gods and buddas and demons and ancestor-worship.) There are truthful elements and preposterous elements to this theory. Let me go through the truthful elements first.
The "law of attraction" (I really hate to call it that, though) promotes positive thinking, which is good. It is true that quite often, if we say, for example, "I'm too dumb to get into medicine", then we probably won't. But I believe it's not because the universe responds to your thoughts, I believe that when you say "I'm too dumb", you are confirming it in your own mind and therefore have less motivation and set yourself up to fail.
Have you ever surprised yourself, though? I know I have. Countless times, I think "crap, I'm going to miss the train, I don't wanna miss the train, I'm going to be late for work," but I catch the train, or I'm not very late at all. When I did my Gamsat the first time, I thought I was going to get around 64, and I was feeling quite good. I got 60. Second time, I was more realistic, and thought for sure that I will get no more than 3 above my first score. I was very worried that I'd done worse the second time, it was my main concern. By the grace of God, (and I mean it) I got 71. 2005 I was on the 60th percentile (I achieved higher or the same as 60% of candidates), and in 2006 I was on the 96th percentile. If the 'law of attraction' were true, I should have gotten lower. Despite my high score, I was worried that I wouldn't get in. I'd mentioned in the interview that I would work during my studies, that I was Christian, and that I had no community involvement worth talking about ( I shouldn't have worried but I did). But I still got in, with a Commonwealth-Supported-Place.
It is difficult for me to refute the 'law of attraction' using logic and reasoning, as I am not a philosopher and have no experience/training in logic. I can only use the above example. But consider if the universe really did 'respond' to our thoughts and notions, does that mean it's personified? How does a physical entity such as the universe, in which we live, become personified? If the universe (or indeed any super-human entity) 'responds' to our thoughts and desires in such a indiscrimminate, mechanical, constant manner, such that we can manipulate it (and our outcomes), what meaning does that give our lives? A predictable mechanism controls our fates, we control that mechanism, but to what end? Perhaps we will achieve material 'success', but that is no longer nessecarily due to our endevours, only that we manipulated the universe. Anyone can do it.
Interestingly, in the film clip, they recommend you write down what you want, but start off with "I'm thankful for..." but who do we thank? The universe? I'm always amused when non-religious people say they are thankful.
And of course I cannot end a commentary like this without discussing my religious view. God raised up many people that did not have positive attitudes. The most famous is Moses, who thought himself inarticulate and clumsy, and was concentrating on the negatives of God's commands (that the task was so big and himself so incapable). One of our youth groups is named after Gideon, who thought himself small and weak but was used by God to be a mighty warrior and defeated a great army. (It is a favourite story in our church, and "The LORD is with you, mighty warrior." (Judges 6:12 NIV) is commonly heard in encouragement to young people. ) I do try to have confidence, and try to be positive (which, at times, is difficult), but not because of "The Secret", but because I believe that, ultimately, I am in God's hands. As much as I do complain, I do believe that God will take care of me. It's very unchristian of me to complain I guess. It's just that there is much to complain about sometimes...
This ends my commentary on 'The Secret'. I don't think I did a good job of explaining or rationalising a theory that I believe is illogical. But there it is. By the way, think_next, do I know you?
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
congratulate me
at library again. leaving now. It is 5 pm, I have been here since 9 am, and all except an hour (ok, hour and a half) of that time I was actually studying. Not procrastinating, studying. Not dreading or stressing, but studying. Woohoo...
I could probably do it for longer, I drank enough sugary tea to last me a while. But it takes me ages to get home, and besides, it's time to leave. I'm sure if I don't get up now my muscles are going to atrophy so much that I'm going to be stuck here.
I could probably do it for longer, I drank enough sugary tea to last me a while. But it takes me ages to get home, and besides, it's time to leave. I'm sure if I don't get up now my muscles are going to atrophy so much that I'm going to be stuck here.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
quick post
I am currently at the library (again). This is a quick post before I get up and leave. I feel as if I should be staying here for longer, I havn't actually accomplished much in the hour and half that I've been in here. But I'm starving and I'm sure that if I stare at this immunology text book any longer I will burst into tears, which will be very embarrassing.
Yes, you heard right. Immunology.
There is something about immunology. I just look at it, at the diagrams labelled with things like "CD2b3b5b" (or whatever) and there is this thing that happens in my mind. I think it's like a survival mechanism, that just says: "Sida, this is much too complicated. Leave it. They sell great pizza on this campus somewhere."
Now we know Sida won't be an immunologist when she is a grown-up doctor...
Does stress and studying immunology and waking up at 6am make one less attractive? I'm almost sure it's doing that to me. I have blue bits under my eyes and my skin has gone a funny colour. In the past, it used to go grey when I study like this, and I used to scare myself when I look in the mirror because I look like a dead person from a horror movie. This time it's different, my skin being darker due to my holiday to the Whitsundays. Instead of being a deathly pale grey, it is a sallow sort of yellow that makes me look like I'm in the late stages of some liver disease.
As I really don't have time and energy for boys at the moment, I guess the fact that I'm currently repulsive to boys is not such a bad thing. I am curious, though. I wonder what I will find if I look up "attractiveness" and "immunology" (or just "stress") in Pubmed, the online medical journals database. Some one, some time, some where, probably did a study on it.
Yes, you heard right. Immunology.
There is something about immunology. I just look at it, at the diagrams labelled with things like "CD2b3b5b" (or whatever) and there is this thing that happens in my mind. I think it's like a survival mechanism, that just says: "Sida, this is much too complicated. Leave it. They sell great pizza on this campus somewhere."
Now we know Sida won't be an immunologist when she is a grown-up doctor...
Does stress and studying immunology and waking up at 6am make one less attractive? I'm almost sure it's doing that to me. I have blue bits under my eyes and my skin has gone a funny colour. In the past, it used to go grey when I study like this, and I used to scare myself when I look in the mirror because I look like a dead person from a horror movie. This time it's different, my skin being darker due to my holiday to the Whitsundays. Instead of being a deathly pale grey, it is a sallow sort of yellow that makes me look like I'm in the late stages of some liver disease.
As I really don't have time and energy for boys at the moment, I guess the fact that I'm currently repulsive to boys is not such a bad thing. I am curious, though. I wonder what I will find if I look up "attractiveness" and "immunology" (or just "stress") in Pubmed, the online medical journals database. Some one, some time, some where, probably did a study on it.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Where Sida becomes a student again and tries to resist despair
You may ask: since Sida is in medicine, which she's wanted for a long time, why does she need to despair?
I am in my 2nd week of medicine, and they (the educators, that is) say that these two weeks are the easiest, it gets tougher from here.
There is no easy way to express the plight I'm in. I can only give an example. Last week, in my Problem-Based-Learning group (a sort of study group, PBL for short), someone mentioned baroreceptors and chemoreceptors and everyone knew exactly what they were. I was the only one who had never heard of them before. The everything goes so fast, everything just swishes around in my brain in some sort of incoherent soup. And people assume that I'd know some things since I did indeed have science-health background. (But it's radiography! It's like photography with physics!)
But I'm resisting despair, mainly because I'm sure if I work stubbornly at it the way I work stubbornly at everything, it will work out. I am taking a rest from study, it is 4pm, and I have been in the library for 3 hours. The incoherent soup is (somewhat) less incoherent and certainly less daunting. Besides, I do like learning and I find the human body interesting, so if I get over the fact that everyone else seems to know more than me, I may actually enjoy myself. (This really sound like I have a pride issue doesn't it? Hm, perhaps I do...)
I never did consider my income to be large or even significant, but now I do feel it. Going from working full-time, to working one Saturday every 3 weeks (3 hours over 3 weeks) does definately put a strain on my finances. But I did get a call from the rival company today, so I may get some more work.
Um. Surprisingly, I have run out of things to complain about. Except that the air-con here in the library is really really breezy, it's freezing in here.
I can feel the library (and the abundance of medical students around me) doing me mental damage. I think I will go home now.
I am in my 2nd week of medicine, and they (the educators, that is) say that these two weeks are the easiest, it gets tougher from here.
There is no easy way to express the plight I'm in. I can only give an example. Last week, in my Problem-Based-Learning group (a sort of study group, PBL for short), someone mentioned baroreceptors and chemoreceptors and everyone knew exactly what they were. I was the only one who had never heard of them before. The everything goes so fast, everything just swishes around in my brain in some sort of incoherent soup. And people assume that I'd know some things since I did indeed have science-health background. (But it's radiography! It's like photography with physics!)
But I'm resisting despair, mainly because I'm sure if I work stubbornly at it the way I work stubbornly at everything, it will work out. I am taking a rest from study, it is 4pm, and I have been in the library for 3 hours. The incoherent soup is (somewhat) less incoherent and certainly less daunting. Besides, I do like learning and I find the human body interesting, so if I get over the fact that everyone else seems to know more than me, I may actually enjoy myself. (This really sound like I have a pride issue doesn't it? Hm, perhaps I do...)
I never did consider my income to be large or even significant, but now I do feel it. Going from working full-time, to working one Saturday every 3 weeks (3 hours over 3 weeks) does definately put a strain on my finances. But I did get a call from the rival company today, so I may get some more work.
Um. Surprisingly, I have run out of things to complain about. Except that the air-con here in the library is really really breezy, it's freezing in here.
I can feel the library (and the abundance of medical students around me) doing me mental damage. I think I will go home now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
