My testimony

I have been asked to give my testimony tomorrow at the youth group gathering at our church. I didn't particularly want to do it (does anyone want to do this sort of thing?), but I take it the very fact that I was asked indicates that the youth leaders were running out of fresh blood.

This of course gets me thinking about what exactly I should say at my testimony, and indeed what actually lead me to become a Christian all those 1.5 years ago. I don't quite understand how others seem to be able to give a concise, almost structured testimony. Some seem to be able to give it as though it were a narrative. But for me, my conversion was not a step-by-step process. Rather, it was a number of factors that contributed. My conversion was multi-factorial, like cardiovascular disease or osteoporosis.

The short version of how I became a Christian, is that one day I picked up a bible, and read it. Then I went to church, and then I decided to get baptised. Of course, there were a number of reasons I picked up the bible, a number of ways the bible touched me and lead me to start going to church, and a number of reasons I made the final commitment.

I left China with my parents when I was 9, and we lived in New Zealand for 5 years. Almost as soon as we arrived in New Zealand, various friends would take my parents (and me) to churches, and it was there that I first became acquainted with Christianity. I was too young to understand what it was all about, but I knew there was supposed to be a powerful God who supposedly loved me.

For as long as I can remember, my parents have had an unstable relationship. I guess their characters are just too different, they are almost complete opposites of each other. They are better now that they are getting older, but in those days they used to fight and threaten to divorce each other once every 2 or 3 months. During the nights when I used to hear my parents shout hurtful abuse at each other, I used to pray to God: "God, make them stop. Make them stop fighting, and I will be a Christian. I will be a good girl, I will never lie, and I will read the bible." I was about 10 at the time. Of course, eventually my parents will wear each other out and go to sleep, but never immediately after I made my prayer. In any case, I could never keep my end of the bargain, always committing the petty crimes (like lying to your mother about your marks) that children commit. I grew up thinking that God didn't exist - and even if God does exist, I'm stuffed anyway. Surely God is not pleased with children who can't keep their promise to be perfect.

Skip forward to when I was about 17 - at university, I became good friends with some Christians, in whom I was able to see and admire Christian life in action. Although they did not convince me to go to church at that time, I witnessed their sincerity, humility, passion and confidence.

In my final year of my undergraduate degree, my mum started going to church. Her religiosity caused much friction between her and my father, so she stopped going after a short time. But before she stopped going to church, she gave me an English bible (all the other bibles in the house were Chinese).  I remember thinking - Christianity has had such an influence on Western thought, culture, and language. I really ought to read this thing and see what the big deal is, what my friends are so worked up about. Besides, there were many questions I had about Christianity that I was too embarrassed to ask my friends. I figured if I ask them then their answers will come from the bible, so I might as well go straight to the source. At that time, I was in my final year, and was spending about 1.5hours a day on public transport. I started to read the bible on the train, starting from Genesis, skipping through some of the boring stuff along the way.

I can't pinpoint what in the bible touched me. One thing that I remember striking me was the character of Jesus. Jesus was a mystery - the supposed Alpha and Omega, the Creator, but meek as a lamb. He would yell abuse at the Pharisees and Teachers of the Law, but say nothing when on trial for crucifixion. He said that to look upon someone with lust equated with adultery, and compared the Kingdom of Heaven to a mustard seed. I guess the most attractive thing was the shepherd-lamb analogy - he was the shepherd, and I found myself compelled to follow. And as for my questions previously... I don't recall any specific answers to them, but somehow they melted away, as if no longer relevant. I don't even remember what they were.

But I did not follow, even though I knew I should have... after all, I was in my final year, uni was hectic, and Sunday mornings were precious. I told myself that I would go to church when uni finished, but that didn't happen. When uni was over, I started to prepare for the Gamsat (the medical school entrance exam). I was working Monday to Friday, and studying on the Sunday. I still didn't go to church, even though I knew the Gamsat was merely an excuse.

I looked for a church as soon as the Gamsat was finished, and I started attending my current church a week or so after that. After I started going to church, I had two questions. One was - why is it that others raised their hands in church, and sang as if they felt something, when I could feel nothing? What did I lack? The other was the question of grace. What is grace? It's mentioned in Romans so many times. Grace as in graceful?

God showed me what grace was, when the Gamsat results came out. I was not expecting a good mark - after all, I studied when I should have gone to church, how could God reward me for my selfishness? Besides, I had sat the exam before, and last time I didn't have to work full time during my preparation period. The previous year, I got a mark of 60, on the 66th percentile of all candidates. I was expecting a similar result, if not slightly decreased. I nearly cried when I found out... I got 71, on the 96th percentile. This meant that my mark was higher than or equal to 96% of all those who sat the exam. I knew this was a miracle, because there was no way I could have reached that result by any other means. That day I realised what grace is - a gift, from God, that is given to us even though we deserve the opposite. Not grace as in graceful, but grace as in gracious.

The other question was answered in a strange way. I was praying about this very question - "God, give me what they have!", when God spoke into my heart. I am careful in saying this, as I do not want to use His name in vain, but this is the only time that I can say without doubt or reluctance that God spoke into my heart. God asked me: "Do you believe?" - the answer was yes. "For the rest of your life?" - again, yes. "Then why don't you get baptised?"

So the next morning, which happened to be Sunday, I searched out one of the elders, who pointed me to the youth leader, who pointed me to the pastor, who pointed me back to the youth leader.... and I was put down for baptism.

Far out, I think this testimony is too long. It is 11:30pm at the moment and I'm so tired I'm seeing double. I'm not sure if I can go through all this in 5-15minutes.

Oh well, we'll see what happens. I will blog about this later, about the outcomes. Watch this space.

Finding courage

What has happened to me?

I still recall last year in October – a mere two weeks before the end-of-year finals. What a state I was in! Free of fear or burden, resistant to the stressed out people around me – going along at a steady pace, heart and mind at rest, with a calm, unperturbed confidence.

In fact, I even remember arguing with my parents about our new church service at Indooroopilly. The exams being only days away, I wanted to spend the entire Sunday running from one church service to the next, out of the house from about 8am to 6pm.

The exam came, and went – and now the new year is well under way. And I feel – I have been feeling this for a while now – I feel as if I am drowning, with no way to get air back into my lungs, and with no motivation to get out.

What has happened to me? Where is the fearless confidence that I had? The firm refusal to submit into stress, and the capacity to carry it out…

Sure, this year is different to last year, in many ways. But that’s no excuse for my cowardice, nor is it the true reason. The main thing that has changed is not the workload, nor my expectations – it is my attitude. I guess I have been letting my thinking fall back into cynicism and pessimism. Looking only at my difficulties, I lost perspective.

When did I forget that none of it matters, in the end? When did I forget that, no matter what burdens I carry, the fight has already been won? When did I forget that no matter how limited I am, no matter what I go through, no matter whether I do right or do wrong, it doesn’t matter – I already have victory in Christ?

When did I allow the world to get to me so much, to take my eyes away from that which has already been promised to me - a glorious, sweet victory? Even if I fail medicine, even if my parents disown me – all that matters very little, in the grand scheme of things. One day I will meet my Lord and Master, experience eternity, and I will really see that my life here is but a mist.

Looking at it from that perspective, if I am already victorious, what am I afraid of? So what if uni is a mess this year? So what if I am tutoring medical students who are older and smarter than me (Oh LORD, help me with this!!!)? Nothing matters. I have my God, and my God gave me his cross, his covenant.

Hanging On

I'm wondering for the first time whether I pushed myself too far. I've been in denial up until now.

This year, aside from uni, I'm also working, volunteer tutoring, and trying to keep up a small amount of involvement in church. That doesn't sound much, listed like that. I'm sure if I were in undergrad there would be no problems. The problem is that I'm in med, and the people I'm tutoring are also in med. I'm wondering whether tutoring was a bad idea, it is taking a lot more time and effort that I thought it would. I feel like I'm learning this year's contents, and re-learning half of last year.

Needless to say I feel a bit pressured at the moment, mainly because I brought this all on to myself, and I have no one to blame but myself.

My parents want me to cut back on church. For the first time I can see where they are coming from... no parent wants to see their daughter working late into the night, and only see her when she comes out for meals (and even then, to see her glassy-eyed and pale). That reminds me, I really, really ought to spend more time with my family.

The problem is that I enjoy things too much. There is no way I am going to cut back on church any more than I already have. I also enjoy helping the first-years... and so as long as I can manage it, and as long as they want me, I will keep tutoring. I hate work, but I enjoy the money (and independence) that comes out of it.

I'm feeling a bit pressured at the moment (I hesitate to use the word stressed, I'm going to put that off for as long as I can), but I know that somehow I will get through. No, let me rephrase that. Somehow God will carry me through. On the one hand, I feel tired and overworked. On the other, I feel great, because I am doing things that I love. I know that at the end of the year, I will be able to say with confidence that God has not failed me. I can't wait for that time. (In other words, I can't wait for this year to be over with!)

Psalm 13

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and everyday have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will day, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

I don't really know what I have been going through in the past few days. All I recall is the darkness in my room when I try to tap into God the great source of light. You can probably see, from the things I have been writing about... all this talk about wrestling (with whom, exactly, was I wrestling?) and about turning away etc. Then I decided to see what David wrote during his dark times, and I found Psalm 13.

Psalm 13 fits into my past few days like the missing puzzle piece. Yes, I called to the Lord, and He did not come down in a great flood of light, nor like blazing fire from the heavens. I wrestled with my thoughts, God knows I wrestle with them all day long. And who is my enemy? It is the one who accuses me and mocks me daily. I don't know if it is my own thoughts, or if it is the one mentioned in the bible as The Accuser, Satan.

And yet, David has the solution. Trust in His unfailing love, rejoice in His salvation. Sing. No matter what I go through, Jesus has already saved me. Jesus has already given the greatest gift of all; His love will never fail. All I need to do is to keep my eyes on the Cross, steadfastly fixed on what has already been given to me - the victory in Jesus Christ.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9 - That was one of my favourite verses; how did I manage to forget it this time round? (Actually, I didn't forget, it just didn't provide comfort, for some reason. Maybe it is being used too much, like a cliche.) Jesus already gave us the greatest gift, the greatest blessing - Himself, in the Holy Spirit. Doesn't this prove that no matter what trials I go through, His grace and blessings will always exceed what I put up with?