Thursday, September 24, 2009

Quotable quotes from psychiatry

I just finished my psychiatry term, my final psychiatry exam is tomorrow... therefore I should be cramming (and indeed I will continue cramming in a minute). But, here are some quotable quotes... watch this space, more will be added when I have time.

Patient: "You know, our planet is already destroyed, we are not living on Earth at the moment, we are living in the Australia planet. Earth was destroyed when the Germans put a nuclear bomb under the South pole."
Sida: "The bastards!"
Patient: "I'm part German, you know..."
Sida: "Oh, I'm sorry."
Patient: "Yes, I'm part German, part alien."

Patient (to Sida): "Excuse me, excuse me, can I buy some sushi off you?"

Patient (to an Asian psychiatrist): "Your tablets are turning me into a woman. Australians are not easily fooled, doctor!"

Sida: "Do you have any special abilities? Like, are you unique and different from everyone else in any way?"
Patient: "Well... do you trust me?"
Sida: "Uh... uh... yeah?"
Patient (stands up): "Stand up and I'll show you!"
Sida: "Uh, no thanks, no thanks!"

Patient: "Yes, I've been diagnosed with heaps of things. Schizophrenia... Bipolar... Psychosis... Mania... Crazy... Looney... Fruit-cake..."

Psychiatrist A: "In spite of the nature of our work, I don't think I've ever heard of a psychiatrist being killed by one of their patients."
Psychiatrist B: "Wasn't there a case in Perth a few years back?"
Psychiatrist A: "Well, the killer was another psychiatrist. Does that still count?" I'm thinking... get me out of here!

Patient: "No, I don't take drugs."
Nurse: "So, if I took your urine sample to the lab for a urine drug test, I wouldn't find anything?"
Patient: "Weelll... You will probably find it's positive for cannabis. But I can explain that..."