The wait... again

Does this sound familiar? For those who have read my blog on Live Journal (and... I think... there is a total of... ONE in the whole web...) this would sound familiar. Again, I am getting impatient, I am waiting, and the wait is giving me bad skin and tummy problems (altho the tummy problems could be because of all the comfort food i'm having...)

What I am waiting for? The one and only offer from UQ to do medicine, WHAT ELSE? It is to come in November, and it is tipped to come at Nov 6 ish or 7 ish which means next next week. But then, everything this year has been late, which means I could be in agony until the end of November.

This letter or acceptance or rejection will change my life. The whole process has been quite a life-changing experience, but this is the capstone. Even my bible study leader today, when saying the communal prayer, said "Father, and we pray for Sida, as she steps into the next step, may you open up her path in Medicine..." (well I can't remember how he said it but it was along those lines) I was really glad that he added that extra bit for me but I hope no one is too concerned for me - I am acting forlorn recently not because i'm stressed but because of too much chocolate which makes me feel ill.

It would have also been good if he also said "And Father, keep Sida sane."

If any of you out there see any signs of Sida going insane please let me know.

This strawberry came from a strawberry plant that I purchased about 2 months ago. You can see how it's really small (in the picture, I am holding it in my hand.) I read that in hot weather, strawberries tend to grow more foliage than fruit, but lately I have noticed that my plant isn't doing much of either. I mulched it, I gave it rose food, and even put it in the sun. I blame the drought in Brisbane. I mentioned it at bible study and now they are constantly teasing me about it... but it's not my fault! 

Went to Wellington Point with church people today. Big bunch of young people, around 50 or 60 (or 70, I'm bad with estimating numbers), all wearing bright yellow teeshirts with Logos Christian Church on the back, standing in the park area singing Chinese Christian songs loudly. It is no wonder we attracted some negative attention from some caucasian teenage boys, who jumped around crazily pretending to be part of the crowd, raising their hands with us mockingly. The person leading the singing looked as though he was going to shoo them away, but a girl gave him a 'no' look and he didn't... which I think is the corrent thing. After all, Christ taught us to turn the other cheek. Besides, we should affect others with our love, not intolerance. (Again, something easier said than done, and something that is easier to tell others to do than to do it yourself.)

I guess, to beholders, the whole thing is a little weird... to see young people, at their most self-conscious times, unashamedly raising their hands and jumping and singing loudly in the public park. But hopefully, these people would try to seek out what makes us so joyous.

Anyway, the outing was pretty good. It got a little cloudy towards the end and a little windy, so I didn't get the ice cream I craved (ice-cream and bad weather doesn't really match, although some would disagree). It was good to get out and talk to people and joke with them about pushing them off the ramp into the sea. No one asked me about medicine, so, praise God, I spent a few short hours completely forgetting about it.

That is, until I got home, when I remembered. So after dinner I connected up the karaoke and sang it all out. Feels good, voice a bit hoarse though.

Sida congratulates Peter

I'm in a TERRIBLE mood today. It appears USyd and Griffith Medicine applicants have already got their med-entry offers. So I am panicking, slowly, and painfully. My panic is long-drawn-out, such that I am permanently on edge and permanently in Fight-or-Flight mode... and you know that I will fight.

What made this worse is the fact that a friend, Peter, got a common wealth supported place at Sydney. When I heard the news I was overjoyed, indeed I felt like it was I myself who got in (in fact, I might even have been a little misty-eyed. Peter and I, even though we have never met, have helped each other get through the whole process). So when I called him and congratulated him, all was good. I expressed my own concern for my offer... and he said "don't worry Sida, it would be your turn in a couple of weeks"...A COUPLE OF WEEKS! I can't wait that long! So even though I was in a good mood when I called Peter, I was feeling foul within about half an hour.

My bible study leader, Wilson, said this week that we should always act knowing that God is watching. So when we are in a bad mood, we should endevour to get in a good mood and not to take it out on others. My usual gesture is to announce clearly that I am in a bad mood, and from there on if anyone gets in my road my wrath they will feel. So today, after I came home announcing my bad mood, and my brother still pissed me off, it was an effort not to show him my wrath. Some things are indeed easier said than done.

I have started the Purpose- driven life... I am not sure how much I should write about it here on this blog beacuse it would give away parts of the book. But I guess if something really gets me thinking (which nothing has, but i havn't read much and also havn't been thinking much, too busy panicking) i will post my thoughts here. I guess that is most fair for the publishers/authors.

note the music player

note the music player, on the right hand side above the 'about me'. You have to click it twice, once to activate the control and once for it to actually play. And it only plays one song... I put Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata on there... I am sure everyone knows it and likes it... it's impossible (in my opinion) not to like, unless you have already closed your mind to classical music.

I have yet to get a music player that can play a playlist, and (more importantly) one that plays to visitors without them clicking on it (ie, they have to listen to it whether they like it or not). I look forward to this opportunity to coerce my music preferences upon others. (Let's face it, until I own my own concentration camp with nazi-style loudspeakers, this is as good as it will get.)

The cake that broke my heart

It is your church's 10th birthday. You decide to bake a small cake, to bring to church.. because everyone is expected to bring a plate of something.

You see a nice picture of a vanilla cake... and you go ahead... But it is a mess. In a quick last minute job, you make extra icing to cover up the crumbly bits.

The icing is sticky. The cake looks bad, and you suspect that you will never make it as a cake decorator. It looks toxic. But it is too late now.

How to transport the cake to church? It can not go in glad wrap or bag, the icing will stick. What if it falls over in the car? You envision the mess it would make. You coax your brother to hold it while you drive him to Chinese school.. and the rest of the way to church.. well you will just rely on the Good Lord.

You find out once you arrive that his Chinese school has changed locations. You quickly drive away, and get lost as you think you know a short cut but you don't. You arrive at the new location half an hour late. Oh crud... now you have to speed, and you have that cake on the floor. In the hot sun, the butter in the icing is starting to melt. You turn on the air-con, and you can feel your sensitive skin drying up and having an autoimmune fit. Double crud.

You see it moving as you drive... the drive to church never seemed so long before. It did not fall over, a mess was not made. (praise the lord!) You finally arrive... the church service has started. There is no where to park. Triple crud. You sneak to the rear hall, where the food is. All the food looks immaculate. Their cake is without crumbly bits. Yours is melted and dribbly and toxic. You want to cry. Thankful to the lord that no one is watching, you put the cake down and run away, glad that no one saw you with that dreadful cake. You cause a minor disturbance as you try find a seat in the crowded service hall, when everyone else is giving thanks. You also want to give thanks, but you need a place to sit first. After you're settled, you reflect upon that cake. I hope you're happy, Vanilla Cake, you broke my heart... you think... I am never making cake again.

After the service, it's time to eat. You do not see your cake on the table that you put it, and you dare not go looking for it. Perhaps some wise, kind-hearted, sensible wife of some elder (or something) has discretely taken it and put it away in the bin. You are glad - you don't want to confront it ever again.

The worst part is, even though you've had a hellish morning, you can't tell anyone about it. That would mean admitting you've made a cake, and then they would want to see the cake, and that must be avoided at all costs. So, you grit your teeth, and bear it. And when someone asks you how you are: "I'm fine. Just fine."

updates

What has Supersida been up to?

Nothing much. Been waiting for medicine offers to arrive. I have a feeling I will make it. But I don't want to give myself too much hope. But I do feel that I will make it. ohhhhhh.... Lets change the topic.

Attended an MRI seminar today. Most interesting part was probably a vet specialist talking about MRI scanning of dogs and cats - that was interesting, and funny. Can you imagine it? A specialist vetenary hospital, with emergency, Intensive Care, a radiology department... a million-dollar MRI scanner... on-call radiographers and doctors... it's just so funny, and so cute. (I'm sorry if I have offended animal enthusiasts - but I do find the concept of an animal on-call radiographer funny.)

Currently I am looking for a reading partner. I bought a book called The Purpose-driven Life by Rick Warren. Too many people recommended it to me for me to not read it. It is supposed to be a book to help you find your purpose in life, and you read a chapter per day, each chapter being only a few pages long. In the introduction, it recommends you to read with a friend or a group, that way you can bounce ideas off one another and gain maximum utility from the book (not worded in that way but that is the gist of it). I havn't started actually reading it, but would like to find someone to share the experience with. Anyone feel like reading a coupla pages a day for 40 days?

And that is all I have to say today. Mind's been blank lately.

I planted this tulip months ago. What a surprise when it actually flowered... 

 

my dodgy camera does not do justice to its beauty. I am not a big photography hobbiest, since taking images is my profession... but everytime I am in my garden, I want to capture it forever. I did not plant these roses, my mother did. 

On conformitism

Today, many people hold the philosophy that "I am who I am and I will not change myself to fit in/please those around me". Those people hold conformists in distain. When, long ago, someone called me a 'typical asian wannabe', I was most annoyed about the 'typical' part. I didn't like the idea of me being a 'typical' anything.

I recently read a blog entry, with someone writing a short treatise on conformatism... so, I have decided to give my two cents worth.

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. - Bruce Vaughan

In chatting with a friend recently, she told me that there was no such thing as 'free speech'. You may say what you like, and perhaps Voltaire will even defend to the death your right to say it... but say the wrong thing, and people could well sue you for defamation. Yes, true, defamation is wrong, and should be illegal. But the same applies to racist comments, and publications that inflame a group for the same of inflaming (here, I am thinking of the anti-muslim cartoons). However, when these occur, people say things like "these comments need to be brought to the open so we can debate them, because free speech is so important". Seems like it's not 'free speech', but rather 'free speech' within boundaries... or "free speech as long as you say what I don't mind hearing".

Here, I am digressing. But, if 'free speech' is really a myth, what about 'be yourself and no-one else?"

Our charactistics are a product of our upbringing and culture. This is a recognised view-point in our society. I am Christian, but I cannot tell if I would have ever become a Christian if I never left China. So, what is this 'our self' that we are supposed to be? With my friends, I am talkative and assertive. In my family, I am less so because I am with my parents and also because all of us has overpowering personalities, and as the milder one of the lot, I give in. When am I being 'myself'? My parents may be slightly surprised at my demeanor when I am with my friends, does mean that I am putting on an act for my parents? But surely not - for the last 19 years I have lived with my parents and I have never seen a need to 'act'. I don't put on an 'act' for my friends either - most has known me for years and years, and new friends I meet get to know me pretty fast.

The liberty of the individual must be thus far limited; he must not make himself a nuisance to other people. - John Stuart Mill

What J. S Mill meant was that, as much as we live in a 'free' society, our freedom is still necessarily limited. In otherwords, we are forced to 'conform' to a standard. We can say that we will be 'ourselves' - but we are so molded and affected that it feels wrong not to conform. (I am sorry, all you nonconformists out there... we humans are a social animal.) I take, for instance, a cocktail party. I don't feel comfortable in those dresses - I worry that my bad skin shows up or that I look fat. But I will never front up to my company's Christmas party (for example), wearing jeans and sneakers. I also don't have a partner to go with, which will also make me stick out like a pin.

Whether we like it or not, in different situations, people expect different things from us and we know we should conform. When one friend told me about his break-up, I thought it was pretty funny and nearly laughed. (It was just a funny situation, that's all!) However I kept my composure and managed to say "I am sorry". Living with the 'I will just be me and you can deal with it' ideology simply does not work.

When I was younger, I decided that I will be 'myself' (an ill-defined act of defiance against being 'someone else'). So I made a point of being 'myself' ... and because I preferred boyish stuff, I decided that girlish stuff was 'not me'. Of course, then I'd embarrass myself when I secretly admire someone's hair-accessory... As I grew older I realised there is no 'myself', that it is fluid and always changing. I was atheist, now I am Christian. I thought of myself as independant even though I depended upon my parents. Now, I have my own income and way of transport but daily I appreciate my parents more and more and not a day goes by without me praying to God for help.

If you have read this far, you would have formed your own opinions. By acting differently according to circumstance, am I a conformist? I don't see myself as one, but you may decide differently. I still like to dress up once in a while for a party, but I make a point of wearing comfortable shoes and no makeup. It's not "me being me", I just have no idea how to use make-up. In my everyday life I try to be like Christ, which is a form of conformitism, but day by day I fail. They say - "be true to who you are" - but I question the validity of that advice. So, do not conform to non-conformitism.

By the way if you have read this far I would like to thank you. Please leave a comment.

my interest in medical radiations

I put in my interests "medical radiation" and realised that I am the only person in Blogger that has that as an interest. I must sound like a nerd.

I must explain myself to those few people who actually read my profile. I am in the Medical Radiation field. As such, even if the subject is not a hobby, as a 'professional' in that field I have an interest in that field. Which means that I am interested to hear from other people who may have interesting insights in that area. Which, it turns out, is no body... at least not on Blogger anyway.

Perhaps I should try 'diagnostic imaging', or 'medical imaging' or even 'radiography' and see if there are anyone with that put down. I doubt it though... it's not something that people willingly admit to. In any case, you can imagine that really I am not that interested in medical radiations if I am orchestrating a career change to medicine.

As you can see, I am thinking too much, about a trivial matter. Which can only mean one thing (actually it can mean a number of things, but today only one is the case) - one boring, brain-rotting day at work, where the only challenges were physical rather than mental. A Monday that felt like a Friday, without the joyous prospect of the weekend, but the prospect of 4 more days just like this.

I ought to stop doing this. I am making myself be in a bad mood. (Does listening to an 8-yo boy playing the violin squeekily have anything to do with it?)

On trying to 'save' people

I know I have not been a Christian for long. I have only been baptised a couple of months. I have no authority by which I can tell people about the gospel and lead them to God.

But I think that evangelising isn't really about reasoning with people, or trying to prove the existance of God by some reason or logic. It is really more about leading people to feel god's prescence so that they are convinced by their hearts and not by their brains. That is what I have always believed.

And so, in my blundering, naive way, I thought my experience, my testimonial, is enough.

One of my friends has been going through some problems. Despite owning what I believe is if not a brilliant then at least an above-average brain, he failed university subjects several times. He is plagued by family issues and also some poor life decisions. I've tried helping him before by offering practical advice - how to concentrate to study, how to save his earnings, etc. Now, as a Christian, I see him in a new light. This person doesn't need my help, I thought. This person needs the Good Lord. So i initiate a conversation with him on MSN messenger.

Within two sentences into the conversation, he starts to tell me about his want for sexual experimentation. He says "you probably don't want to hear about it" then proceeds to tell more than I was interested in listening to. I did not help him find a focus for his life. I did not show him there was more to life. I did not tell him about my own experiences or my testimonials. I was just flabbergasted. I realised I was well and truly out of my depth.

My pastor once said "finding God is like finding a diamond mine. You want to tell everyone this great source of wealth you have found".

This is so true. Everyone I meet, all my friends, I think: how troubled they are! How much God can change their lives! If only! If only they were open to Him... And then, of course, comes the frustration.

The person who helped me out of my frustration was a Muslim friend. Despite our difference in faith he'd often give me encouragement when I felt disillusioned, sometimes from passages from the Quran. He told me that the choices people make, it's their own choice, and I can not help them. I can help those whoes hearts are open to God, but not those who made their choice already.

He did make me feel better, although I am not sure if he is right or wrong. How can I not try to show my friends the diamond mine?