Hannah's prayer

In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD... As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk, and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine." 

"Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."

Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him."

She said, "May your servant find favour in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.

I've always wondered what exactly Hannah said to God on that day, what exactly passed in between them. Perhaps not much, since the answer to her prayers came only after she left the temple. But either way, something in that temple comforted her. She entered that place, grieved in heart, not even able to eat... and left the place no longer downcast. What happened in between?

I imagine, actually, that many Christians have had this experience. Left with no where else to turn, we come to God with bitterness and tears. We cry, we complain to God, we appeal to God for mercy, strength, or perhaps a miracle. We cry until we are too worn out to continue. At the end of this, God still has not given us a substantial reply. Perhaps God is even silent through our wailing... but somehow, we are comforted, and we see hope.

Hmm, I don't actually know where I am going with this. I guess this is a testimonial of sorts. I have been very bitter lately... well, not bitter as such, but... upset might be a better word. I have reached the stage where medicine is no longer interesting, where motivation is at an all-time low, but there is so much to memorise (so much!) but no will to do it. Not just studying, but even other things connected with med, like tutoring, and going to any of the classes.

Even though I complain about med so much here in my blog, this is pretty much the only avenue into which I pour my complaints. Apart from other medical students, no one really knows what it is like, and find most people it hard to sympathise anyway. I try not to complain too much to other students, because then that would just start a cycle and we will stress each other out. So I guess, all this has been bottling up a bit, and one night, at about midnight, it came out, trickling at first, then a gush.

I didn't pray for as long as Hannah did; I think exhaustion took over shortly after I switched the light off to pray. I sat on my bed hugging my knees as the stresses, demands, and hormones (because that is also such an important factor in females) all came to the surface... and then, I was able to sleep, reminded that there is One who is capable of everything I'm not.

The following morning, when I was reading the bible, the tears nearly came back as I read in passage after passage of God's promises for me. I guess, like Hannah, God hasn't given me an immediate and direct reply. But God has given me a bit more strength to wait a while longer for His right time.