My testimony

I have been asked to give my testimony tomorrow at the youth group gathering at our church. I didn't particularly want to do it (does anyone want to do this sort of thing?), but I take it the very fact that I was asked indicates that the youth leaders were running out of fresh blood.

This of course gets me thinking about what exactly I should say at my testimony, and indeed what actually lead me to become a Christian all those 1.5 years ago. I don't quite understand how others seem to be able to give a concise, almost structured testimony. Some seem to be able to give it as though it were a narrative. But for me, my conversion was not a step-by-step process. Rather, it was a number of factors that contributed. My conversion was multi-factorial, like cardiovascular disease or osteoporosis.

The short version of how I became a Christian, is that one day I picked up a bible, and read it. Then I went to church, and then I decided to get baptised. Of course, there were a number of reasons I picked up the bible, a number of ways the bible touched me and lead me to start going to church, and a number of reasons I made the final commitment.

I left China with my parents when I was 9, and we lived in New Zealand for 5 years. Almost as soon as we arrived in New Zealand, various friends would take my parents (and me) to churches, and it was there that I first became acquainted with Christianity. I was too young to understand what it was all about, but I knew there was supposed to be a powerful God who supposedly loved me.

For as long as I can remember, my parents have had an unstable relationship. I guess their characters are just too different, they are almost complete opposites of each other. They are better now that they are getting older, but in those days they used to fight and threaten to divorce each other once every 2 or 3 months. During the nights when I used to hear my parents shout hurtful abuse at each other, I used to pray to God: "God, make them stop. Make them stop fighting, and I will be a Christian. I will be a good girl, I will never lie, and I will read the bible." I was about 10 at the time. Of course, eventually my parents will wear each other out and go to sleep, but never immediately after I made my prayer. In any case, I could never keep my end of the bargain, always committing the petty crimes (like lying to your mother about your marks) that children commit. I grew up thinking that God didn't exist - and even if God does exist, I'm stuffed anyway. Surely God is not pleased with children who can't keep their promise to be perfect.

Skip forward to when I was about 17 - at university, I became good friends with some Christians, in whom I was able to see and admire Christian life in action. Although they did not convince me to go to church at that time, I witnessed their sincerity, humility, passion and confidence.

In my final year of my undergraduate degree, my mum started going to church. Her religiosity caused much friction between her and my father, so she stopped going after a short time. But before she stopped going to church, she gave me an English bible (all the other bibles in the house were Chinese).  I remember thinking - Christianity has had such an influence on Western thought, culture, and language. I really ought to read this thing and see what the big deal is, what my friends are so worked up about. Besides, there were many questions I had about Christianity that I was too embarrassed to ask my friends. I figured if I ask them then their answers will come from the bible, so I might as well go straight to the source. At that time, I was in my final year, and was spending about 1.5hours a day on public transport. I started to read the bible on the train, starting from Genesis, skipping through some of the boring stuff along the way.

I can't pinpoint what in the bible touched me. One thing that I remember striking me was the character of Jesus. Jesus was a mystery - the supposed Alpha and Omega, the Creator, but meek as a lamb. He would yell abuse at the Pharisees and Teachers of the Law, but say nothing when on trial for crucifixion. He said that to look upon someone with lust equated with adultery, and compared the Kingdom of Heaven to a mustard seed. I guess the most attractive thing was the shepherd-lamb analogy - he was the shepherd, and I found myself compelled to follow. And as for my questions previously... I don't recall any specific answers to them, but somehow they melted away, as if no longer relevant. I don't even remember what they were.

But I did not follow, even though I knew I should have... after all, I was in my final year, uni was hectic, and Sunday mornings were precious. I told myself that I would go to church when uni finished, but that didn't happen. When uni was over, I started to prepare for the Gamsat (the medical school entrance exam). I was working Monday to Friday, and studying on the Sunday. I still didn't go to church, even though I knew the Gamsat was merely an excuse.

I looked for a church as soon as the Gamsat was finished, and I started attending my current church a week or so after that. After I started going to church, I had two questions. One was - why is it that others raised their hands in church, and sang as if they felt something, when I could feel nothing? What did I lack? The other was the question of grace. What is grace? It's mentioned in Romans so many times. Grace as in graceful?

God showed me what grace was, when the Gamsat results came out. I was not expecting a good mark - after all, I studied when I should have gone to church, how could God reward me for my selfishness? Besides, I had sat the exam before, and last time I didn't have to work full time during my preparation period. The previous year, I got a mark of 60, on the 66th percentile of all candidates. I was expecting a similar result, if not slightly decreased. I nearly cried when I found out... I got 71, on the 96th percentile. This meant that my mark was higher than or equal to 96% of all those who sat the exam. I knew this was a miracle, because there was no way I could have reached that result by any other means. That day I realised what grace is - a gift, from God, that is given to us even though we deserve the opposite. Not grace as in graceful, but grace as in gracious.

The other question was answered in a strange way. I was praying about this very question - "God, give me what they have!", when God spoke into my heart. I am careful in saying this, as I do not want to use His name in vain, but this is the only time that I can say without doubt or reluctance that God spoke into my heart. God asked me: "Do you believe?" - the answer was yes. "For the rest of your life?" - again, yes. "Then why don't you get baptised?"

So the next morning, which happened to be Sunday, I searched out one of the elders, who pointed me to the youth leader, who pointed me to the pastor, who pointed me back to the youth leader.... and I was put down for baptism.

Far out, I think this testimony is too long. It is 11:30pm at the moment and I'm so tired I'm seeing double. I'm not sure if I can go through all this in 5-15minutes.

Oh well, we'll see what happens. I will blog about this later, about the outcomes. Watch this space.