Finding courage

What has happened to me?

I still recall last year in October – a mere two weeks before the end-of-year finals. What a state I was in! Free of fear or burden, resistant to the stressed out people around me – going along at a steady pace, heart and mind at rest, with a calm, unperturbed confidence.

In fact, I even remember arguing with my parents about our new church service at Indooroopilly. The exams being only days away, I wanted to spend the entire Sunday running from one church service to the next, out of the house from about 8am to 6pm.

The exam came, and went – and now the new year is well under way. And I feel – I have been feeling this for a while now – I feel as if I am drowning, with no way to get air back into my lungs, and with no motivation to get out.

What has happened to me? Where is the fearless confidence that I had? The firm refusal to submit into stress, and the capacity to carry it out…

Sure, this year is different to last year, in many ways. But that’s no excuse for my cowardice, nor is it the true reason. The main thing that has changed is not the workload, nor my expectations – it is my attitude. I guess I have been letting my thinking fall back into cynicism and pessimism. Looking only at my difficulties, I lost perspective.

When did I forget that none of it matters, in the end? When did I forget that, no matter what burdens I carry, the fight has already been won? When did I forget that no matter how limited I am, no matter what I go through, no matter whether I do right or do wrong, it doesn’t matter – I already have victory in Christ?

When did I allow the world to get to me so much, to take my eyes away from that which has already been promised to me - a glorious, sweet victory? Even if I fail medicine, even if my parents disown me – all that matters very little, in the grand scheme of things. One day I will meet my Lord and Master, experience eternity, and I will really see that my life here is but a mist.

Looking at it from that perspective, if I am already victorious, what am I afraid of? So what if uni is a mess this year? So what if I am tutoring medical students who are older and smarter than me (Oh LORD, help me with this!!!)? Nothing matters. I have my God, and my God gave me his cross, his covenant.